In 2021 I wrote a post about what therapists actually do. After years of witnessing nervous glances and obvious discomfort post-job reveal it prompted me to think about how to describe my work simply, without the mystery attached to it. At the time it felt revelatory as it dawned on me that in essence, therapists are awareness builders. We support our clients to create pauses in their experience so that they can develop awareness for their behaviors, feelings, and internal motivations. Without this awareness, our blind spots can hold us hostage and emotions remain in control. So here I am, two years later, pondering once again the foundations of my profession. This time, the thought was not prompted by strangers’ glances, but instead by my own internal experience. This work is beautiful, and this work can be hard. I witness discourse on social media platforms about therapist burnout and the toll it takes on our mental health to give of ourselves as we do. But…where exactly does our energy go? So I began thinking about this and as I followed the trajectory of a session I believe I have stumbled upon yet another important aspect of our job. So, are you on the edge of your seat yet? Ha, ok…maybe not, but here we go. We..are…drum roll…Space Holders. Yes, as therapists we hold a lot of space. You may hear this term often in our pop-culture, “holding space.” But, what does it mean? Frankly, before I sat down to think this through I didn’t have a concrete way of explaining it other than that it was an energy, a vibe (scientific…I know.)

Let’s think about the words together – to hold and space. To hold is a verb, an action; supporting or carrying something. It is not passive, we are creating an experience in our body and in the body of the recipient as we hold it/them. And then, space. The Oxford English Dictionary defines space as a continuous area or expanse which is free, unoccupied, and available. When I feel into the energy of space, it makes me want to take a long, cleansing *DEEEEEP BREATHHHH!* Ahh, space feels good. Space is not empty, it is not a cold void, but instead it is clear, abundant, and uncluttered. I liken holding space to the operating system of a screen and projector. Space (or the screen) is there to allow the images that need to show up to have a place to do so. The projector (or the holding) has no plans other than to play the images contained on the film. So, “space” in the context of therapy is an open, energetically tended to area that remains unbiased, allowing things to arise naturally so that they have the opportunity to be held and seen. Holding space is the act of remaining without agenda, listening intently to the words and accompanying affect of the recipient, while embodying a compassionate, nonjudgmental stance. As content arises, the therapist can be the projector and simply allow it to be seen or the therapist may also act as the screen and mirror it back. This allows the client to hear their own experience from a voice that is outside of themselves. Holding space allows the recipient the experience of ultimate containment. They are being seen and heard as they are. In this exchange there is no initiative to change anything and the magic exists in simply being with them as they discover these parts of themselves.

As we hold space we enter into an energetic agreement with our clients to be the shared screen for their internal material to rise so that it can be seen together. There is a co-creation occurring here that allows clients to be held and reflected in their own experience without the explicit or implicit needs of another, of the greater culture, or any other force that may pull on them to “be” a particular way. The client can come as they are, without the guilt, shame, or blame, and simply be witnessed. This is an experience quite unique to therapy that unfortunately the world rarely provides (as too often we are met with guilt, shame, or blame in one way or another.) As clients show up this authentically with another human their emotional capacity expands. It can be a deeply corrective and loving experience. In our personal relationships we can be so inwardly focused on our own emotions, our own needs, our own desires, or our wish to fix or change or alter the other that the space gets cloudy. The truth is, it would be impossible in our personal relationships to consistently offer this level of support. It requires a great deal of focused attention and therapists spend years training to do this (outside of my work, I can totally do some fogging!)  But, this is one of the absolute beauties of psychotherapy, to have someone hold sacred, authentic space for you, that is just for YOU, so that you can be seen and held as you are, and for you to know that as you are, is exactly as you should be. To receive space is as experiential as it is curative. If this is something you’ve never experienced in any of your relationships, I recommend you try it! It is truly magnificent (shout out to my therapist for all the space she’s held and for teaching me so well! )

This is not to say that therapists don’t ever have agendas, because… that would be a lie! Ha We are aware of and monitoring our clients’ wellbeing as we work to support them in improving their mental health, which may at times include concrete goals. However, holding space is an essential offering that is rich in benefits. One of the most profound hidden gems in this exchange is seeing and hearing your own experience reflected through the voice of the space-holder. The steady, gentle, accepting voice that witnesses and shares your story as it is in its deepest truth. As you experience this over and over again you begin to internalize this nonjudgmental voice and it allows you to see yourself through this lens. This is not a linear road and acceptance may come in bits and pieces, but, as this skill comes online it gives you the chance to love and accept yourself in an entirely new way. To see yourself as perfectly imperfect. We are reparenting ourselves here! Becoming the steady loving voice in our own story that gives us permission to just be exactly as we are. This…this, is healing.

So yes, Awareness Builders + Space Holders + XYZ…stay tuned for more.

Sending you all the space you need to be held, seen, and unconditionally accepted just as you are…right here, right now.
With love,
Dr. Alix