Emotional Safety Net > Articles by: admin

Author: admin

What have you discovered lately?

As a kid I’d lie in bed at night staring up at the ceiling. The big white fan would whir round and round and my eyes would search. I looked into the mystery of the darkness with a mix of curiosity and tension. Staring into darkness alters your vision. Like a Seurat painting, everything becomes pixelated. It gave my room a surreal quality. Like a filter my eyes could peek through only at night, making reality appear different. I stared with wonder, for what seemed like hours, but  probably was only minutes, up at my ceiling and throughout my room with this new way of seeing the world. I never told anyone about it. It was my secret nighttime ritual. Stare into the pixelated darkness and discover. Allow my world to take on a dreaminess that eventually carried me off to sleep.

The mystery and joy of these discoveries happened in the absence of stimulation. No TV, or audiobooks, or podcasts, or guided meditations, or music, or white noise, or soothing lights to help me get to sleep. There was only space and darkness. In the gap between awake and asleep, there was time to learn about myself, my surroundings, and the world. I could pause and be with my own mind, my own thoughts, my own feelings. Ok so, it turns out I was an incredibly anxious child (lol) and often I sat with many unpleasant things right before bed…but, the pixelated discoveries I made were fun. I learned that I could do something to feel better, on my very own. That the world was mysterious and not always as it seemed. It broadened my curiosity, allowed me to suspend disbelief for things unknown. It taught me to discover through my own eyes.

Last Monday, I sat in my office opposite an adolescent as we did some grounding. Finding her feet, slowing down, orienting to the space. As we slowed down she noticed, her hands felt extremely uncomfortable trying to be still. “It feels really tingly and weird when they’re not moving.” I invited her to track the tingliness and the weirdness. She stayed with it for an uncomfortable second. I thought about it, about how infrequent it is that busy adolescents actually have space, with no stimulation, to just be. To sit with themselves and make discoveries. How there is always a device to pick up, always a stream of information to attach to, always someone to text, or something to watch. I explained to her, “often when our bodies feel discomfort, there is a story hidden underneath.” She looked at me with a mix of awe and cynicism. “What kind of story?!” “We’ll have to listen for long enough to find out,” I replied. A moment later her hands began to fidget and we moved on.

This skill, of simply being. Without an activity, without guidance, without a focal point…and seeing what emerges from the void, is priceless. This is where true wisdom is found. This is where self is found. In this moment, sitting with this teen I realized, we no longer have this space. The world we exist in is not set up for these gaps I found as a kid. Gaps that I had to navigate on my own, without an endless stream of input telling me what to think, how to feel, what to be interested in. Now, if we want this kind of space we have to claw for it, create it, be disciplined about it…which somehow feels contradictory to its very essence. It takes away from the artistry of it all. The boundless flow from one moment into the next. Moseying down a stream, noticing our surroundings, noticing our internal state, allowing things to arise within us and through us. Now, people pay thousands of dollars to travel to retreat centers to have this device-free time and space. Typically, this makes them feel better. Clearer. More connected to themselves, to who they really are. Yet, as they land back in the swirl of daily life, the clarity is snatched away like a frivolous luxury, not to be enjoyed any longer.

Getting lost in the stimuli bombards our senses from the outside-in. We forget that if we want to hear the stories already happening inside of us, we have to get quiet enough to do so. The external noise can be deafening and it takes time, space, and tolerating discomfort for long enough to listen. However, if we are willing to withstand the discomfort, listen to it, and begin to understand the messages from the inside-out, life takes on a whole new dimension. There is agency, there is freedom. No longer are you simply swirling around in the soup of incoming STUFF. You already have a whole complex world, unique to you, to notice, interpret, and be aware of right inside your very being. There may be interesting ideas, desires, and deeper self-awareness just waiting for you to tune in. All it takes is your willingness to discover it in the darkness.

Picture this. Devices are off and away. Door is closed. You find a comfortable spot…and you sit. You notice the discomfort, perhaps the familiar thoughts start to swirl, the to do-list bubbles up, but you push past that. Not now…I’m discovering. You set the intention to listen for any untold stories inside of you. You slow and quiet as much as you can, perhaps using your breath to guide you downward. And you just keep listening. There is no particular goal, there is no “finished,” there is no checklist…there is just time and space and willingness to ride the waves of discomfort as your body reorients towards the inside. You allow your awareness to be diffuse but also to focus-in when something emerges, whether it’s a physical sensation, an idea, an emotional experience, or something in your physical environment that wants to be discovered. You are making space to be curious about your own human experience. Just keep leaning into the curiosity. You may only have 10 minutes to do this, that’s ok. The more you practice the more easily your body will trust that you are there to really listen. That’s when the best discoveries are really made.

 

in Uncategorized Posted by admin

On death.

3 years ago today my mom died. She was 70. She had 2 types of cancer. I was 34. It was 2022, the tail end of the pandemic kept us isolated. The devastation of her death still haunts me. She was so sick, yet I was wildly unprepared for the reality. Nothing in me could accept the truth that she would die. She couldn’t accept it either. My mom was a college professor and her semester had just begun. Two days before she died she sat in her hospital bed begging us to bring her a laptop so she could email her chair to let him know that she would have to miss class…this week. She wanted to tell him that she was sick with a bug. Terrified to type anything else into existence. Something in me knew how ludicrous her plan was, even if I couldn’t quite acknowledge the truth myself. She lay immobile in a hospital bed, unable to sit up, eat, or toilet. Exchanges with her doctor revealed a sadness that could only mean she would leave us very soon. I begged her to give me the email address so that I could take care of it. It took a few hours of convincing before she gave in. This was my mom clinging to her life. She was not ready to relinquish control nor ready to stop surviving.

Death as a subject is shrouded in hushed voices, saddened eyes, and constricted breath. It is something we as humans tend to shut out of our minds. Death comes in many forms. The tragic and untimely which leave the bereaved in agony and shock. But for most, death happens with slightly more predictability as the body ages and sickness takes hold. While an inevitable part of life, it is still avoided like a shameful secret. Superstitious energy surrounds it, as though speaking about death somehow conjures it into existence. As a human who has witnessed death and as a human who will eventually face death, the truth is I barely, if ever, REALLY think about the arc of my life as one that includes death. There is the abstract notion that one day I will no longer be here, but there is no practical consideration for my life’s complete experience as one that ends with me dying.

I’ve been reading a book. It is called Staring At The Sun: Overcoming the Dread of Death by Dr. Irvin Yalom, a foremost thinker, author, and psychiatrist in the realm of existential psychology. This is the branch of psychology that considers our existence and thus our eventual non-existence. It infuses the reality of death deep into psychological treatment, understanding that when you strip away our defenses, the underpinning for all anxiety is that we are terrified to die. The book reads beautifully (as all of his books do) but it talks about death so honestly and so obviously that it has really left me wondering. What if our life were described to us with openness and awe, as the rising and setting of a sun? That we pop into existence from a dark void. We live, we shine, we nurture, we warm others, maybe even burn others, and then a time comes to vanish back into that same void. What if, without fear or avoidance, death could be folded into the human psyche as a normal and healthy part of a life? The only way to actually complete it. This reality is wholly omitted from our life map (i.e., kid, school, teenager, college, job, marriage, kids, house, retirement, etc.) It is tucked away in a dark corner to “be dealt with” when the time comes. We avoid death because death makes us DEEPLY uncomfortable.

You see, everything inside of us is wired to survive. As a species we have adapted to survive our lives for as long as we possibly can. This data point might suggest that humans REALLY enjoy living (I mean, I only intentionally prolong the things I love doing, right?!)  However, when I look around it’s not the case. People are not waltzing through their existence with carefree nonchalance begging the DJ to play one more song. Most people are coping, surviving as best they can. Our survival energy is STRONG. It has blown out enjoyment energy on the leaderboard of priorities. To be fair this isn’t a conscious decision. Blame it on evolution. We are wired to survive at all costs. It is how a species propagates, and BOY have the humans prop-a-gated (8.2 billion and counting…) This wiring has allowed us to have long expansive lives, but it also has made way for this teeny tiny companion we’ve dubbed anxiety to accompany us through our time here. The emotional havoc-wreaker that causes us panic, worry, stress, dread, fear, and sickness just so we can survive our lives a little longer, while simultaneously shattering our immune systems and leading us further from health. Picture this… a video game where we struggle to outrun the clock on our own ETA to heaven, unaware of our surroundings or the potential for momentary bliss so long as we outrun that clock. That’s kind of what survival energy has us doing out here!

But my friends…in this dance for survival we have lost the thread. We’ve forgotten there is more to life than simply surviving it. Presence, enjoyment, depth of experience. Death will appear on our timelines whether we like it or not. Orienting to this reality is not morose or depressed, it is truth and as far as I know truth is liberating (albeit sometimes terrifying.) Yes, our wiring commands us to survive but can’t we get a little more creative? Just surviving is passé! Can’t we look under the hood and figure out what it would look like to have a completely different type of experience? While we’re here…while we’re still in the game – what do we have to lose? Doesn’t the finality of death put things into ultimate perspective? In our finite time how do we paint the most beautiful, fulfilling, purposeful, connected, inspiring canvas one has ever seen?  Wouldn’t envisioning the full arc of our lives to incorporate our death be an immensely useful tool in doing so? The ending, while sad and hard and painful, creates a container that make the drops of life we have to live that much sweeter.

I wonder what it would’ve been like if death were talked about in my family in this way. “Dying is natural. It is ok. We all must do it and when our time comes, we’ll figure out how to face it. Dying does not mean you are a failure or have given up. It is just a thing that happens when our bodies stop working. Your wiring may convince you that it’s your job to keep surviving, but there will come a time when your job will be the opposite – to accept your ending with the same integrity and openness as the life you’ve lived. Let’s talk about dying as much as we need to. Let’s talk about living as much as we can. It is all part of life.” Would my mom have faced her death with more acceptance, more readiness? Instead of clinging to anxious terror and stubborn insistence to prolong her life, even as her body was so clearly shutting down, would this knowing of death have allowed her to see the significance of the moment she was in? Would she have been able to let go and witness the beauty of the life she lived in her grand finale? And if I had been taught this very thing as well? Perhaps, we could have snuggled up and watched the sunset together, saying a proper goodbye before she vanished.

(R.I.P. mom. I love and miss you always ❤️)

in Uncategorized Posted by admin

What ELSE does a therapist do?

In 2021 I wrote a post about what therapists actually do. After years of witnessing nervous glances and obvious discomfort post-job reveal it prompted me to think about how to describe my work simply, without the mystery attached to it. At the time it felt revelatory as it dawned on me that in essence, therapists are awareness builders. We support our clients to create pauses in their experience so that they can develop awareness for their behaviors, feelings, and internal motivations. Without this awareness, our blind spots can hold us hostage and emotions remain in control. So here I am, two years later, pondering once again the foundations of my profession. This time, the thought was not prompted by strangers’ glances, but instead by my own internal experience. This work is beautiful, and this work can be hard. I witness discourse on social media platforms about therapist burnout and the toll it takes on our mental health to give of ourselves as we do. But…where exactly does our energy go? So I began thinking about this and as I followed the trajectory of a session I believe I have stumbled upon yet another important aspect of our job. So, are you on the edge of your seat yet? Ha, ok…maybe not, but here we go. We..are…drum roll…Space Holders. Yes, as therapists we hold a lot of space. You may hear this term often in our pop-culture, “holding space.” But, what does it mean? Frankly, before I sat down to think this through I didn’t have a concrete way of explaining it other than that it was an energy, a vibe (scientific…I know.)

Let’s think about the words together – to hold and space. To hold is a verb, an action; supporting or carrying something. It is not passive, we are creating an experience in our body and in the body of the recipient as we hold it/them. And then, space. The Oxford English Dictionary defines space as a continuous area or expanse which is free, unoccupied, and available. When I feel into the energy of space, it makes me want to take a long, cleansing *DEEEEEP BREATHHHH!* Ahh, space feels good. Space is not empty, it is not a cold void, but instead it is clear, abundant, and uncluttered. I liken holding space to the operating system of a screen and projector. Space (or the screen) is there to allow the images that need to show up to have a place to do so. The projector (or the holding) has no plans other than to play the images contained on the film. So, “space” in the context of therapy is an open, energetically tended to area that remains unbiased, allowing things to arise naturally so that they have the opportunity to be held and seen. Holding space is the act of remaining without agenda, listening intently to the words and accompanying affect of the recipient, while embodying a compassionate, nonjudgmental stance. As content arises, the therapist can be the projector and simply allow it to be seen or the therapist may also act as the screen and mirror it back. This allows the client to hear their own experience from a voice that is outside of themselves. Holding space allows the recipient the experience of ultimate containment. They are being seen and heard as they are. In this exchange there is no initiative to change anything and the magic exists in simply being with them as they discover these parts of themselves.

As we hold space we enter into an energetic agreement with our clients to be the shared screen for their internal material to rise so that it can be seen together. There is a co-creation occurring here that allows clients to be held and reflected in their own experience without the explicit or implicit needs of another, of the greater culture, or any other force that may pull on them to “be” a particular way. The client can come as they are, without the guilt, shame, or blame, and simply be witnessed. This is an experience quite unique to therapy that unfortunately the world rarely provides (as too often we are met with guilt, shame, or blame in one way or another.) As clients show up this authentically with another human their emotional capacity expands. It can be a deeply corrective and loving experience. In our personal relationships we can be so inwardly focused on our own emotions, our own needs, our own desires, or our wish to fix or change or alter the other that the space gets cloudy. The truth is, it would be impossible in our personal relationships to consistently offer this level of support. It requires a great deal of focused attention and therapists spend years training to do this (outside of my work, I can totally do some fogging!)  But, this is one of the absolute beauties of psychotherapy, to have someone hold sacred, authentic space for you, that is just for YOU, so that you can be seen and held as you are, and for you to know that as you are, is exactly as you should be. To receive space is as experiential as it is curative. If this is something you’ve never experienced in any of your relationships, I recommend you try it! It is truly magnificent (shout out to my therapist for all the space she’s held and for teaching me so well! 💕)

This is not to say that therapists don’t ever have agendas, because… that would be a lie! Ha 😉 We are aware of and monitoring our clients’ wellbeing as we work to support them in improving their mental health, which may at times include concrete goals. However, holding space is an essential offering that is rich in benefits. One of the most profound hidden gems in this exchange is seeing and hearing your own experience reflected through the voice of the space-holder. The steady, gentle, accepting voice that witnesses and shares your story as it is in its deepest truth. As you experience this over and over again you begin to internalize this nonjudgmental voice and it allows you to see yourself through this lens. This is not a linear road and acceptance may come in bits and pieces, but, as this skill comes online it gives you the chance to love and accept yourself in an entirely new way. To see yourself as perfectly imperfect. We are reparenting ourselves here! Becoming the steady loving voice in our own story that gives us permission to just be exactly as we are. This…this, is healing.

So yes, Awareness Builders + Space Holders + XYZ…stay tuned for more.

Sending you all the space you need to be held, seen, and unconditionally accepted just as you are…right here, right now.
With love,
Dr. Alix

in Anxiety, Depression, Emotions, Fear, Grief, Growing Pains, Healing, Mental Health, Psychology, Relief, Self-Love, Spiritual Journey, Therapy Posted by admin

The Corridor of Fear

You’re pacing a narrow corridor. It’s darkly lit. The light bulbs flicker on and off, making eerie noises. The hallway is suffocating and there seems to be no way out. When you come to one end you immediately about-face and turn to the other. Your body is as shaky as the lights. Your mind is racing, heart fluttering. You can feel the terror and dread set in. Your mind is thick, dense, and foggy. Nothing seems to make sense. Will anything ever be ok? You pace back and forth…between fear and fear. This is The Corridor of Fear. It holds you tightly in its grips. It reveals only problems, no solutions. It shows only darkness, no light. It keeps you stuck in its confines as you spiral deeper and deeper into its energy. Feeling like there is no way out. No where to go. The overwhelming feelings of powerlessness and stress ravage you until you are rendered emotionally paralyzed. Digging yourself deeper and deeper until all seems dismal. Trapped between fear and fear. Here you are.

Ok. So I know this opener is a bit dramatic (my high school English teacher would be proud) but guys, does this not accurately describe the experience of depression and anxiety? The feeling of being caught in an energy so thick, so seemingly large, that you cannot find your way out? Not only does suffering from it feel like absolute garbage, but so often you can’t make heads or tails of what’s happening until things in your life are already damaged – your health, relationships, work. The energy of depression and anxiety feed on you like ultimate parasites. Forcefully entrapping you into their web of lies and darkness. They take your thoughts and with what seems like herculean force, drag you into the depths of misery as they force you to compulsively obsess about what isn’t right, what needs to change, and how bad it all is.

This is all happening in your own mind. In your own internal world. The place you have learned to trust as your home-base. This makes it immensely difficult to zoom out and see that you are being preyed upon by these evil bloodsuckers… IF you are lucky enough to even realize what is happening at all. Gaining the perspective required so that you can witness the source of your stuckness requires great presence, strength, and determination. But it’s worth it, I promise. Just like breaking free from jail, you let yourself out of the worry holes, shame spirals, and bleak outlooks. When you find your way home and come back to yourself you realize that everything is pretty much right where you left it. All that other stuff, all those other worries…LIES. Lies that kept you stuck. Lies that kept you trapped. Lies that kept you pacing between fear and more fear.

Just like a real life horror film, anxiety and depression are AS BAD if not worse than the scariest villains in Hollywood. This evil technology implants itself into you…making you think, it IS you, and then lures your mind into a narrow, dark, scary place…without you even understanding what is happening. It feeds on you as you create more dark energy…as you become its power source. The more you worry, fear, and embed negativity into your life, the more powerful it becomes, and the more trapped you become by it. Obsessing over what went wrong, who is “mad at you”, and what a failure you are, literally gives these supervillains life. Yuck. 

So, I want you to notice. Are you pacing up and down The Corridor of Fear? Do your thoughts move seamlessly between worry and worry? Are your thoughts focused on negative past events or possible future failures? Do you speak so unkindly to yourself that if you spoke to a friend that way, they’d say you were being toxic? Do you obsess about the things you wish were different, unable to appreciate the beauty that you have right now? If the answer to these questions are, YUP…well, now you know where you are. You are trapped in The Corridor of Fear. I want to hand you a key to get out. You may feel ready, but I also want you to know, these supervillains will fight back. As soon as you step out, they will try to suck you right back in…so this is a process that takes time. Be gentle with yourself as you begin to notice and build this new quiet strength.

I now present you with *your escape route*. Open your eyes and scan the room/space you are in. Come into the present moment. Breathe. Notice where you are, your actual surroundings. Is everything ok, right in this second? (If not…like if your house is on fire, or your are bleeding profusely, then I want you to go take care of that now!) If so (meaning there is no imminent crisis), wonderful! You are letting yourself out. Begin to slowly come back into your body, feeling your feet on the ground, feeling your breath move your belly up and down. Think about what is ok. What you DO have. Open up to the wonders of what it means simply to be ALIVE. To be experiencing air, and water, and food, and music, and entertainment. Move into the simple beauties that exist all around you (like a comfy blanket or some pretty artwork.) If you notice your thoughts being magnetized back towards the shit-heap…then it means the supervillains are realizing their power source is dying (we can expect this to happen) so just come on back to all that is good right now. Moment to moment… to m o m e n t… to m. o. m. e. n. t. Keep on practicing this, every single day. Until it becomes a habit and the Corridor of Fear has released you from its grips.

…and today my friend you are on your way to becoming a superhero. Keep on fighting the good fight against those evil supervillains. You got this.

Sending you love in all ways,
Dr. Alix

in Anxiety, Depression, Emotions, Fear, Growing Pains, Healing, Mental Health, Psychology, Relief, Self-Love, Spiritual Journey Posted by admin

Anxious, much?

Like many of those I work with, I have an anxious mind and body. Anxiety has been a (not-so-quiet) companion throughout my life, ebbing and flowing at different junctures, moving in and out of focus with circumstance. At the moment, the faucet is on and boy, is it flowing. When my anxiety is flipped on and seemingly minor bumps happen, it is like hearing glass shatter. When brains and bodies run on fear (a little different than running on Dunkin...) we become inflexible and terrorized by the hiccups of everyday life. Let me be the first to say… ANXIETY SUCKS. It is painful, exhausting, energy-sucking. To experience multiple glass shattering moments daily… when in truth everything in your external world is more or less FINE? Oh boy, it’s tough. Sometimes the rational part of my mind recognizes the intense mental and physiological response and can say, “Alix, *breathe* everything is ok”… but anxiety does not always go down so quietly. When kicked up, the dust is intense and the fight is GOOD. It wants control. What it really wants is to protect you. The seemingly “nothing” thing, is not experienced as no-thing. Anxiety experiences it as a five-alarm fire. It experiences it as danger.

While anxiety is painful, the truth is… all emotions are messengers just here to deliver us information. Sometimes pleasant, and other times icky, sticky, messes. So while we may want to SHOOT this particular messenger, it’s not exactly advantageous to us. On the other hand if we start to pay attention to our anxiety, get beyond the disproportionate responses, and look just beneath the surface to decipher the message, we’ll start to notice the core places where our being needs attention, healing, and love. The places where our anxiety holds on to beliefs and stories that are no longer true for us (and perhaps never were true.) From this perspective we see anxiety reacting to distorted or outdated perceptions rather than what is actually happening in our immediate environment. Perhaps deep down, anxiety is afraid of failure, of loneliness, of losing control and so these glass-shattering moments are simply manifestations of some deeply tender and vulnerable feelings. Through feeling, acknowledging, and understanding our way through anxious moments, we open up the door to larger transformation and improved mental health. Renovating the foundational blocks that contribute to perceptions that make us Oh So Anxious.

Ok so let me break this down. First we have our own life experiences that generate anxiety. ON TOP OF THAT we ingest conditioning from our family, community, culture, religion, and society. But wait there’s more. We even inherit traumas and fears from our genetic lineage. Fears that live in our very own DNA. You may be feeling things and not even know how they got there… yet there they are, disrupting our day. Because we may not have direct access to the “why”, our physical bodies are a key component to unlocking our anxieties. Our bodies don’t care if we lived it or our grandparents lived it, we feel it anyway. Making space to feel the feelings allows us to shine a light on these fears, the ones we may not have conscious awareness for, but ones that clearly WANT to be felt.

So…no, we cannot shoot the messenger. Even if we REALLY want to. The messenger is only there to let us know that something feels awry internally. That there are parts of us that feel unsafe, unsettled, and scared. That something needs tending to. Spending time getting to know our hypervigilant friend can support us in discovering where the stale fears live that are no longer necessary to house. The fears that are no longer serving or protecting, but instead are causing us unnecessary pain and suffering. Does our perfectionism stem from an underlying feeling of inadequacy? Or does our perfectionism stem from an underlying feeling of internal chaos? Do we become stressed by our kids because we worry that we are failing them as parents? Or do we become stressed by our kids because our nervous systems are in disrepair and we need help learning how to take care of them? Go into the feeling, breathe with it, and become curious about the message that is trying to be relayed to you. Whether we can access the underlying cause or we just have a feeling to go by, the power remains in us to make space for it,  acknowledge it, and release it. When it perks up, let anxiety know that you see it! It will be most grateful for the visit.

Wishing you love, peace, and ALL THE CALM ✌🏻

Dr. Alix

 

in Uncategorized Posted by admin

A Therapist’s Responsibility

As a therapist, I am in the business of holding space. As each session begins I tap into all of my senses so that I may fully experience the beautiful human on the other side of me (…or on the screen in front of me). In doing so I connect to their needs, their hurts, and their experiences. I feel into not only their words, but into the energy underneath their words, into their immediate stressors, into their life story, into the deeper parts that are hidden from plain view. The parts we all have. The parts that are often behind the wheel, driving our behaviors, our emotions, our internal and external experiences…but the parts who hide from our conscious awareness. Once we make contact it is like meeting strangers who live inside of us, that almost immediately become as familiar as family as we recognize their origins and their experiences. Just because we are therapists and we know about this stuff does not preclude us from having a human experience. Just like our clients we have these parts too. As we are working, we may feel familiar emotions arising, alerting us to a part that is being touched or activated by the parts of our clients. This invisible but very real exchange happening directly under the surface between therapist and client. A dance party of parts if you will, all intermingling together as they try to turn chaos or lethargy or panic into a beautiful choreographed dance. As therapists, we set up the dance floor, inviting our clients to show us “their stuff,” and as we watch their moves with kind eyes, we also must keep a keen eye on the dance floor, maintaining the cleanliness and safety of the environment. As therapists, WE are the environment.

I am a big proponent of therapists “doing the work.” Of knowing what emotionally exists inside of us so that when we are taking care of others’ emotions we also make sure to take care of our own. You see, we go deep with people. We connect with them on the most vulnerable levels, and when we show up in this space if our parts are not tended to they may show up in unwanted ways, interfering with our work or our ability to hold the space our clients might need. Beyond it just being good self-care to engage in our own therapy, emotional regulation or internal self-reflection practices, there is a practical and professional component here that remains essential to the benefit of our clients. Showing up with as much internal organization and MENTAL HEALTH as we can, will help them to feel seen, heard, and held in the ways they need.

The work here is in taking care of our own energy. Keeping it clean, nurtured, and respected. Being accountable for our own emotional processes so that when we show up for our clients, our resources are dedicated to them and not to managing our stuff while they are trying to show us theirs. I mean it’s inevitable that our stuff shows up…but the more we take care of ourselves, the easier it is to decipher, regulate, and respond to. The easier it is to adequately care for it. And look, our job is hard! We ingest a lot of emotion during the day. Our work requires immense mental energy, patience, and heart. The most valuable technology we have installed into our system is our capacity for empathy, validation, and self-reflection. We are the instrument in our work. So for example, after a long day of making delicious drinks an espresso machine at Starbucks must be thoroughly cleaned so that the drinks taste just as yummy tomorrow. As therapists we must make sure that after hours of usage we metaphorically clean ourselves up. We can do this by checking in with our emotional state, noticing what’s popping up for us on any given day, wondering if anything needs some love or work or support or attention…and this doesn’t just have to be in regard to our work, I mean we have lives too… am I right? No matter what needs care…this is our responsibility, to give ourselves this consideration and attention. To practice what we preach, and remember that we are just as deserving of care as all those we support and help each day.

With love, self-reflection, and getting your dance floor in order,

Alix

in Uncategorized Posted by admin

Adult Growing Pains

As a kid, do you remember experiencing strange pains throughout your body? Wondering what they were…even feeling scared by the intensity of the sensation at times, and being told “Oh, those are just growing pains!” I remember feeling incredibly dismissed and frustrated with this rationale. “Growing pains??? But, growing is a good thing, it shouldn’t hurt, and THIS REALLY HURTS.” I wanted the sensation to be taken seriously…I wanted to get to the bottom of the pain, to understand why my body hurt and not be given some old wives’ tale in lieu of a scientific explanation. But alas the pain always went away and never manifested into anything that needed a medical diagnosis. Growing pains, indeed. As we age, growing pains remain with us; however, they no longer simply linger in our physical bodies but exist deeply in our emotional and mental spaces. In childhood comes our physical growth, and in adulthood comes the growth that results from a life lived. Both, painful.

All that a human has to endure in a single lifetime is absolutely unbelievable. I mean, human lives are filled with stress, tragedy, and loss (as they are equally filled with joy, communion, gratitude, and beauty). However, I have yet to meet a human who hasn’t had their success and happiness punctuated by despair and hardship in one way or another. This is just what it means to be human. The nature of impermanence that cascades through our lives can cause great emotional discomfort. So, what is an Adult Growing Pain? It is the pain that results from the responsibilities, losses, existential angst, relationships, and ultimately the journey of finding oneself that occurs in adulthood. The pain of coming to terms with the loss of a parent and understanding who you are in the world without them. The pain of losing a job and dealing with the stress and emotions that arise from it. The pain of feeling disconnected from yourself and not knowing how to get back to who you were or how to be who you currently are. The emotional trials of adulthood create immense growing pains…and I believe it is important to think of them in these terms.

Yes, I felt dismissed as a child because I wanted my parents to understand that the pain REALLY HURT, and I didn’t want my pain to be excused by some nonchalant reasoning. However, maybe my parents had a point? Can’t we recognize that we are going through Adult Growing Pains, while also acknowledging that they REALLY HURT!!! Because…holy shit, they do. But, if we contextualize them in this way, in knowing that this is part of what it means to be an adult, that in truth, being human guarantees that you will go through Adult Growing Pains, then couldn’t that help us understand some of what we are going through? Knowing that we are certainly not alone, and while we all experience the pain differently, that it is universal? That while people like to present glossy edited curated fabulous lives…they are going through growing pains just like everyone else?

Here’s the best part. Yes Adult Growing Pains hurt A LOT…so much more than the childhood ones, however their existence extends to us an invitation for GROWTH. Now, we can choose to RSVP: Will Not Be Attending to the growth portion and relish in the pain. The experience may in fact feel so overwhelming that we can choose to become our pain, to act it out in every aspect of our lives. For some, this may not feel like a choice…intense pain can knock people down into disorienting, dark, confusing spaces. However, if we understand that the pain is here simply to accompany our growth…as are growing pains for kids, we can use it differently. We can internally categorize our pain as growth. “Ok, my loved one just died and I am hurting so badly that all I want to do is disappear and crawl into a ball, and for now I need to grieve, but in time I know that I will grow as a result of this experience. I have become more connected to my emotions, to my vulnerability, to my sensitivity. I am learning how to cope with loss – because I have to and not because I want to, but I am growing.”

Growth as a human is extremely hard. I mean…EXTREMELY hard. Suffering abound, we grow only through our challenges, but this is where the beautiful parts come in. Once we grow, life becomes deeper, more nuanced, more complex. We appreciate all of the wrinkles and folds with our newfound perspective. We see things differently, we experience things differently. We are given an opportunity to see what we’re made of, what we can get through, and that gives us perspective on our own selves…on what rock stars we actually are! Our priorities shift… our existence shifts through Adult Growing Pains. While they hurt like a bitch, they can end up becoming sweet gifts if we give them permission to. If we allow ourselves the space to move through the pain and simply grow. Taking time to evolve through the dramatic shifts in our lives, as we allowed our physical bodies to expand in childhood. While we are not getting taller, we are getting wiser, increasing understanding and awareness, becoming more empathetic towards self and others, and expanding the gratitude we have for our lives. Growing is a good thing…and it shouldn’t hurt, but boy, does it. Growing pains, indeed.

Sending love and emotional ice-packs for the pain 😉❤️
Alix

 

 

 

in Emotions, Growing Pains, Mental Health, Psychology, Self-Love, Spiritual Journey Posted by admin

Stop…and go.

Stop. Go. STOP. GOOOOO!

Here lies the rhythm of our lives. Cycling through moments of rest and moments of activity. We move through this pattern daily, as our bodies are attuned to waking and resting hours. However, inevitably there are periods in our life where it is necessary to sustain these modes for longer amounts of time. Periods of pause, where we can rest, heal, observe, be still. Periods of movement, where we can create, fulfill, and deeply experience. Both are important. Both facilitate growth. Both are beautiful.

Prior to this global pandemic, I, like many of you primarily existed in a state of constant activity. Go – Go- Go! Pandemonium. Rushing from one thing to the next, out of sync with my internal rhythm. Certain that this way of operating was “right,” confirmed by positive feedback from the world around me. Because…we do this, right? We praise those who overextend themselves…the workaholics, the perfectionists, and have been led to believe that being this way is an achievement! That this way of being will support our success and somehow lead to happiness. This belief is easy to ingest in our culture – the “I do it ALL” attitude. All the while, rest has become associated with laziness and has even become a luxury. With our constant connectivity there no longer remain boundaries in our communication – work, home, social life, they have all melded into one thing. We expect instant replies from our social networks and our professional networks. Long gone are the days of doing things on “our own time” and here have arrived the days of stressing about returning calls and staying up late to reply to emails. We squeeze our time like we squeeze juice from a lemon. One. More. Drop. From work to play back to work again, the last decade has been characterized by periods of intense action…and it shows. People are more stressed, anxious, and depressed than they have ever been before.

You see, action in and of itself is not a bad thing. We need to DO things and to create things and to have motion in our lives. Indeed activity is beautiful and provides rich experiences for us. However, like all things in life there must be balance. The flipside to action is inaction…stopping. While this year has been a difficult one as the world wages war against a deadly virus, it has had the unintended byproduct of allowing us to reconnect to this part of ourselves. Reclaiming our natural rhythm once again. As we have been forced to slow down, it has provided space for us feel how important this is for our wellbeing. A remembrance that dwells deep within our genetic code that rest is good. That moments of reflection are important. That learning how to simply be is just as important as is learning how to be in motion.

This is an opportunity you see, to reconnect to a part of ourselves that has somehow been lost in the shuffle of technological advances. To return to a simpler time when humans had to rely on the cues from nature to help them organize their days and lives. To make our way inward, back towards ourselves…back towards our natural rhythm. To remember that constant motion is not what we were designed for, that we are meant to Stop. and Go.

So here today I invite you to make space for yourself to follow your own rhythm. To breathe and remember that stopping is ok. To know that going is ok. And to know that our ideal balance lies in between, as we gently swing from one state to the other, not rushing or forcing either, but simply listening and following.

Wishing you balanced rhythms and beautiful reconnection to self.
With love,
💕✨Alix

in Emotions, Mental Health, Psychology, Self-Love Posted by admin

Have We All Just Silently Agreed to Ignore Our Bodies?

It’s 3 pm. You take a slight pause from your chaotic day only to notice that you are light headed and have a hollow uncomfortable feeling in your stomach. You try to make sense of the sensations only to realize that coffee has been the only thing to touch your lips all day. Now you know why you are feeling sick…and now you know what to do about it. Your mind continues to move quickly as you snack on a granola bar, but as soon as you give yourself this moment of nourishment, the sensation of hunger takes over. While you couldn’t feel the hunger before, in this moment of pause you give yourself permission to recognize what you need. A proper lunch is in order.

Our bodies are amazing. These complex informational systems in constant communication with us. They let us know when to rest, to eat, to use the bathroom, to breathe, to cool off, to warm up, to move, to stay still, to cuddle, to be alone. Bodies have sophisticated built-in networks of intelligence that alert us so that we can support and take care of them. In fact, we can think of our existence as a symbiotic partnership occurring between our consciousness/self and our bodies. One cannot be without the other. We need each other to survive the human experience. For most, the body is a sublimely generous organism…unconditionally giving, demanding very little in return. An automatic regulatory system that keeps us in balance and flow, literally giving us the gift of life…and what does it ask for? Some food, water, and sleep? Our bodies simply ask us to spend a little time listening to and doing our best to honor their requests. I’d say in this partnership, we’re the ones #winning.

However, as simple as this sounds…you know, “listen to your body and give it what it needs,” human beings are PRETTY awful at doing this. We have a universal tendency to ignore our bodily sensations, focusing instead on the mental chatter that seems to drown everything else out. We tend not to think of our bodies as these systems with their own set of needs, independent from our “selves.” For many, the body is not thought about much at all. Of course there are those who think deeply about bodies for various reasons. Some who focus great energy on what is happening on the surface, on appearance. There are those who work with the body professionally, physicians, physical therapists, occupational therapists, massage therapists, dancers, athletes, fitness trainers, etc. and so think about the body from their educational or experiential perspective. There are also those who are afflicted with bodily ailments, pains, or disabilities which make it impossible for them to ignore their bodies. However, for the vast majority of humans, we just expect our bodies to do the things they are supposed to do. We expect them to work. But when they don’t…we are upset, frustrated, saddened, annoyed, inconvenienced, angry. We spend very little time thinking about our bodies until they scream for our attention, and only then when discomfort takes hold, do we actually take time to pause and acknowledge their requests.

This seems wholly inefficient, does it not? Why do we walk around ignoring ourselves until we are given no other option? Why does it not occur to us to run a systems test every now and then to see where we are at and what we might need? To notice if we need to stretch, eat more protein, or get more fresh air? As offspring of Mother Earth our bodies are in continual flux, just as are the cycles of nature. As we learn to become more attuned to their natural rhythms we can learn how to care for them in any given moment. Right now you may need more rest than you think is “ok.” Later you may require more carbs than you think is “ok.” Tomorrow you may need to move more slowly than you think is “ok.” When it comes to our own individual bodies, there is no one-size fits all approach. Sure, we can collectively agree that there are certain foods and activities that are healthy; however your body may be asking you for something outside the realm of what you know to be “healthy.” This is to say, if you have been doing the same exact exercise routine for the last 10 years because you once read that it was a comprehensive whole body workout, this does not mean that you have been adequately caring for your body. Your body might be saying…hey, can we move in some other ways? It might even be saying…hey, I’d love some more rest days! We cannot know what we need unless we meet our bodies with patient non-judgmental ears so that they may be acknowledged and heard.

This idea of tuning in does not apply only to our physical needs, but to our emotional needs as well. Our body is a massive database for emotional information. It is ready for us to log on and check it out whenever we are ready to do so. (The password is: Mindful_Attention!) As we get in touch, we may realize that underneath it all we are experiencing emotions that are deeper or more meaningful than we’ve allowed ourselves to feel. Just as our head aches from hunger when we don’t eat, our emotional system aches when we don’t acknowledge our feelings and care for them accordingly. For example, Water is to Thirst as _____ is to Sadness. A) A Good Cry B) Hugs C) Talking it Out D) Journaling (I’ll let your old SAT chops come back online to answer that one.) Understanding our physical and emotional systems, how they work, what they are trying to tell us, and how to take care of them seems like one of the most essential partnerships we could ever have in our lives, am I right? So, the big question is…HOW COME WE IGNORE OUR BODIES? How come we wait until our body aches and we are on the brink of passing out before we even pause to think about what we need?

I am here to let you know that it does not have to be this way. While our bodies are fairly low-maintenance, they are not no-maintenance. Think about forming a partnership with your body, the most worthwhile partnership you will ever have. The partnership which gives you life. Become intimately familiar with its requests, its voice, its needs. Think of it as a precious resource to be cared for and cherished. As you take care of it, it will take care of you in the most beautiful of ways. Spend a few minutes each day checking in, wondering what it would like, what it might need, how you can be a better partner to it.

Let’s practice. Here, now, I invite you to listen. Breathe, tune in, and feel your physical and emotional body. Activate this partnership between mind and body. Scan down from head to toe and notice along the way if there are any aches, pains, or sensations that would like your attention. Internally ask your body what this means, if it needs anything – something to eat, to drink, body lotion, something snuggly to wear? Does it need more oxygen in its lungs? To be immersed in nature or art? Does it simply need to turn in early and get some deep rest? Does it need to stop obsessing over things and slow down? Does it need more organization? Less pressure? More soothing? The intelligence of your body will direct you where to go. All you have to do is listen.

With mindful patience and love,
Alix ✨❣️

in Uncategorized Posted by admin

In between love and everything else.

“Prove it! Prove that you love me.” As you are asked to articulate the inarticulable you begin to fumble through your mental rolodex for examples of “love.” However, as you pick apart your memories you begin to stumble upon other images that scream lots of things…love is not one of them. You know in your heart that you love this human, without a doubt, so why is it so easy to find these other moments? The ones that cause pain? Shame? Blame? Hurt? Love in its purest form does not have anything to do with these kinds of interactions, and yet here you are catching yourself doing them anyway.

I have the distinct honor of working with children, which means I also have the distinct honor of working with parents. First of all let me just say that if it were up to me I would hand out Nobel Peace Prizes along with my calendar invites. I mean between the juggling, the balancing, the listening, the loving, the teaching, the caring…I have profound respect for these humans/superheroes who do so much – all the time. I’ve worked with many different types of parents with varying parenting styles, and here’s what I’ve undoubtedly learned from my experience… parents REALLY love their kids! The amount of care and love that parents have for the sweet beings they bring into this world is unparalleled, unlike any other kind of love.

Yet, even with the incredible foundation of love between parent and child…somewhere along the way things can get lost. Take a moment to reflect on your relationship with your own parents. *Pause* This simple exercise will likely bring up an array of complex emotions. Yes there is love (for most) but what about all of the other things woven around the love? The guilt, the shame, the criticism, the blame, the neglect, the pressure, the expectations. These relationships are so multidimensional. So…WHAT HAPPENS between the purest most beautiful form of love in the world and these experiences we all seem to have, replete with negative emotions? What gets lost in translation between us?

When you think of love, in its purest form, what comes to mind? What does it feel like, look like, smell like, think like to you? How does love behave? Exist? To me, love is beauty. Pure unconditional acceptance, authenticity, compassion, generosity, grace, kindness, presence, respect. There’s nothing else quite like it. Given its importance it’s interesting that somewhere along the way we internalize the message that our love, this powerful and incredible force, is something meant for others, to be directed outward to those we care about. All the while distancing us from the essential truth that first and foremost our love is meant for us. Pause on that for a moment. Breathe into the idea that love is not only meant to be directed outwards, but that we can cultivate love inside of ourselves SO that it can glide out easily and unconditionally from us. Where else does it come from if not from inside of us? Once you feel compassion, kindness, and gentleness for your own experience, you can’t help but treat others the same way. Your internal model becomes your external framework. Love for self trickles out to all things…trickle down loveconomics…if you will.

Now sadly, many of us have not been taught to tend this internal space and none of us have been privy to an existence where love is all there is. Our world is not (yet) set up to support this kind of purity. There has been too much hardship, too many intergenerational traumas, too much pain. As these sore spots filter through our emotions and experiences, the parent-child relationship is not exempt. So, while love forms the bedrock between parent and child, and is arguably the foundation from which most parent behaviors are sourced, fear and pain are seamlessly woven into the structure as well. If we were to observe these impurities clouding a parent’s love, we may see a parent who is so worried about their child’s future success that they are rigid, strict, and shameful when it comes to their schoolwork. Or, we may see a parent who gets angry and lashes out at their child for not following the rules… only because deep down they worry for their child’s future safety. On the surface a child sees one thing – anger, stress, control, blame – but underneath we see a parent’s bursting heart desperately wishing to protect and prepare their children for a hard and sometimes scary world. We see love.

So we follow this windy road which begins at immense love and after we take a few turns we may wind up at the crossroads of Fear & The Deep Instinctual Desire to Protect. As love travels down this road, there is a fundamental shift in the way it is expressed. To the recipient it no longer feels like love, but like all of these other painful emotions we have experienced ourselves. As love travels further and further from its origin, it kicks up enough dust to make a mess of things – covering everyone with a thin layer of dirt, sadness, and confusion. If we go back to the original intention…we realize this is NOT what we wanted. We did not want our love to be distorted and twisted into this other messy thing. Parents simply desire the best for their children. Yet, when love gets shaken up with other emotions – the intention to nurture and protect can instead turn to pain.

So, how do we move closer to purity? How do parents – or anyone who loves another for that matter – move back towards the origin place? First, and most importantly – by learning to love yourself with the purity of heart you wish to devote to your children. As your internal framework moves closer and closer to love, you will find it easier to express love to your children in purer form, closer to its source. This step alone can be a lifelong pursuit, but a worthy one. Your being is your home, and we all deserve a hospitable home to reside in. The best part is that as your kids observe you loving yourself they will learn to do the same for themselves.

Now, as you are remembering what a bad-ass, beautiful being you are, become aware of the patterns in which you are intending love but are winding up elsewhere. Begin to notice where things are getting lost – is it your fear of how your child will be treated? Is it your fear of your child somehow failing? Reflect on the source of the fear or pain which leads to these automatic behaviors. So often we learned these patterns as children observing our own parents. Doing a bit of reflecting may not only help your kids but it may give you some insight into your own experience as well.

Once you have identified what the fear is, begin to confront it. Know that where your child is right now in their life will NOT be where they are in 10-15 years. Their brains and bodies are rapidly developing and they will grow and shift and change so much in the coming years. Do not feel like what they do now must reflect adult expectations, know that there is time for that (even for the teens…especially for the teens!) Exhale and allow your kids to be kids for now. This is what their beautiful brains and bodies need most.

Last but certainly not least, begin to think about what your actions would look like if love was leading? For example, instead of: IF YOU DON’T DO YOUR READING, NO TABLET TIME!!! How about: I can see that reading is not your favorite subject but mama is going to think of ways to make reading feel more fun for you. How about we choose some books together and practice reading? Or instead of: THAT’S IT! YOU BROKE THE RULES AGAIN? BAD BOY, NOW YOU’RE PUNISHED! How about: I know it might feel kind’ve fun to play with the rules and see if you can break them sometimes but we have rules to keep you safe and your safety is important because I love you! By communicating from a space of love, genuine care, and connection your kids will feel safer to take risks and make mistakes, and will blossom in miraculous ways, knowing all along with certainty that they are loved and cherished…as they are and always have been.

With the purest love,

Alix

in Uncategorized Posted by admin