It’s 3 pm. You take a slight pause from your chaotic day only to notice that you are light headed and have a hollow uncomfortable feeling in your stomach. You try to make sense of the sensations only to realize that coffee has been the only thing to touch your lips all day. Now you know why you are feeling sick…and now you know what to do about it. Your mind continues to move quickly as you snack on a granola bar, but as soon as you give yourself this moment of nourishment, the sensation of hunger takes over. While you couldn’t feel the hunger before, in this moment of pause you give yourself permission to recognize what you need. A proper lunch is in order.

Our bodies are amazing. These complex informational systems in constant communication with us. They let us know when to rest, to eat, to use the bathroom, to breathe, to cool off, to warm up, to move, to stay still, to cuddle, to be alone. Bodies have sophisticated built-in networks of intelligence that alert us so that we can support and take care of them. In fact, we can think of our existence as a symbiotic partnership occurring between our consciousness/self and our bodies. One cannot be without the other. We need each other to survive the human experience. For most, the body is a sublimely generous organism…unconditionally giving, demanding very little in return. An automatic regulatory system that keeps us in balance and flow, literally giving us the gift of life…and what does it ask for? Some food, water, and sleep? Our bodies simply ask us to spend a little time listening to and doing our best to honor their requests. I’d say in this partnership, we’re the ones #winning.

However, as simple as this sounds…you know, “listen to your body and give it what it needs,” human beings are PRETTY awful at doing this. We have a universal tendency to ignore our bodily sensations, focusing instead on the mental chatter that seems to drown everything else out. We tend not to think of our bodies as these systems with their own set of needs, independent from our “selves.” For many, the body is not thought about much at all. Of course there are those who think deeply about bodies for various reasons. Some who focus great energy on what is happening on the surface, on appearance. There are those who work with the body professionally, physicians, physical therapists, occupational therapists, massage therapists, dancers, athletes, fitness trainers, etc. and so think about the body from their educational or experiential perspective. There are also those who are afflicted with bodily ailments, pains, or disabilities which make it impossible for them to ignore their bodies. However, for the vast majority of humans, we just expect our bodies to do the things they are supposed to do. We expect them to work. But when they don’t…we are upset, frustrated, saddened, annoyed, inconvenienced, angry. We spend very little time thinking about our bodies until they scream for our attention, and only then when discomfort takes hold, do we actually take time to pause and acknowledge their requests.

This seems wholly inefficient, does it not? Why do we walk around ignoring ourselves until we are given no other option? Why does it not occur to us to run a systems test every now and then to see where we are at and what we might need? To notice if we need to stretch, eat more protein, or get more fresh air? As offspring of Mother Earth our bodies are in continual flux, just as are the cycles of nature. As we learn to become more attuned to their natural rhythms we can learn how to care for them in any given moment. Right now you may need more rest than you think is “ok.” Later you may require more carbs than you think is “ok.” Tomorrow you may need to move more slowly than you think is “ok.” When it comes to our own individual bodies, there is no one-size fits all approach. Sure, we can collectively agree that there are certain foods and activities that are healthy; however your body may be asking you for something outside the realm of what you know to be “healthy.” This is to say, if you have been doing the same exact exercise routine for the last 10 years because you once read that it was a comprehensive whole body workout, this does not mean that you have been adequately caring for your body. Your body might be saying…hey, can we move in some other ways? It might even be saying…hey, I’d love some more rest days! We cannot know what we need unless we meet our bodies with patient non-judgmental ears so that they may be acknowledged and heard.

This idea of tuning in does not apply only to our physical needs, but to our emotional needs as well. Our body is a massive database for emotional information. It is ready for us to log on and check it out whenever we are ready to do so. (The password is: Mindful_Attention!) As we get in touch, we may realize that underneath it all we are experiencing emotions that are deeper or more meaningful than we’ve allowed ourselves to feel. Just as our head aches from hunger when we don’t eat, our emotional system aches when we don’t acknowledge our feelings and care for them accordingly. For example, Water is to Thirst as _____ is to Sadness. A) A Good Cry B) Hugs C) Talking it Out D) Journaling (I’ll let your old SAT chops come back online to answer that one.) Understanding our physical and emotional systems, how they work, what they are trying to tell us, and how to take care of them seems like one of the most essential partnerships we could ever have in our lives, am I right? So, the big question is…HOW COME WE IGNORE OUR BODIES? How come we wait until our body aches and we are on the brink of passing out before we even pause to think about what we need?

I am here to let you know that it does not have to be this way. While our bodies are fairly low-maintenance, they are not no-maintenance. Think about forming a partnership with your body, the most worthwhile partnership you will ever have. The partnership which gives you life. Become intimately familiar with its requests, its voice, its needs. Think of it as a precious resource to be cared for and cherished. As you take care of it, it will take care of you in the most beautiful of ways. Spend a few minutes each day checking in, wondering what it would like, what it might need, how you can be a better partner to it.

Let’s practice. Here, now, I invite you to listen. Breathe, tune in, and feel your physical and emotional body. Activate this partnership between mind and body. Scan down from head to toe and notice along the way if there are any aches, pains, or sensations that would like your attention. Internally ask your body what this means, if it needs anything – something to eat, to drink, body lotion, something snuggly to wear? Does it need more oxygen in its lungs? To be immersed in nature or art? Does it simply need to turn in early and get some deep rest? Does it need to stop obsessing over things and slow down? Does it need more organization? Less pressure? More soothing? The intelligence of your body will direct you where to go. All you have to do is listen.

With mindful patience and love,
Alix ✨❣️

“Prove it! Prove that you love me.” As you are asked to articulate the inarticulable you begin to fumble through your mental rolodex for examples of “love.” However, as you pick apart your memories you begin to stumble upon other images that scream lots of things…love is not one of them. You know in your heart that you love this human, without a doubt, so why is it so easy to find these other moments? The ones that cause pain? Shame? Blame? Hurt? Love in its purest form does not have anything to do with these kinds of interactions, and yet here you are catching yourself doing them anyway.

I have the distinct honor of working with children, which means I also have the distinct honor of working with parents. First of all let me just say that if it were up to me I would hand out Nobel Peace Prizes along with my calendar invites. I mean between the juggling, the balancing, the listening, the loving, the teaching, the caring…I have profound respect for these humans/superheroes who do so much – all the time. I’ve worked with many different types of parents with varying parenting styles, and here’s what I’ve undoubtedly learned from my experience… parents REALLY love their kids! The amount of care and love that parents have for the sweet beings they bring into this world is unparalleled, unlike any other kind of love.

Yet, even with the incredible foundation of love between parent and child…somewhere along the way things can get lost. Take a moment to reflect on your relationship with your own parents. *Pause* This simple exercise will likely bring up an array of complex emotions. Yes there is love (for most) but what about all of the other things woven around the love? The guilt, the shame, the criticism, the blame, the neglect, the pressure, the expectations. These relationships are so multidimensional. So…WHAT HAPPENS between the purest most beautiful form of love in the world and these experiences we all seem to have, replete with negative emotions? What gets lost in translation between us?

When you think of love, in its purest form, what comes to mind? What does it feel like, look like, smell like, think like to you? How does love behave? Exist? To me, love is beauty. Pure unconditional acceptance, authenticity, compassion, generosity, grace, kindness, presence, respect. There’s nothing else quite like it. Given its importance it’s interesting that somewhere along the way we internalize the message that our love, this powerful and incredible force, is something meant for others, to be directed outward to those we care about. All the while distancing us from the essential truth that first and foremost our love is meant for us. Pause on that for a moment. Breathe into the idea that love is not only meant to be directed outwards, but that we can cultivate love inside of ourselves SO that it can glide out easily and unconditionally from us. Where else does it come from if not from inside of us? Once you feel compassion, kindness, and gentleness for your own experience, you can’t help but treat others the same way. Your internal model becomes your external framework. Love for self trickles out to all things…trickle down loveconomics…if you will.

Now sadly, many of us have not been taught to tend this internal space and none of us have been privy to an existence where love is all there is. Our world is not (yet) set up to support this kind of purity. There has been too much hardship, too many intergenerational traumas, too much pain. As these sore spots filter through our emotions and experiences, the parent-child relationship is not exempt. So, while love forms the bedrock between parent and child, and is arguably the foundation from which most parent behaviors are sourced, fear and pain are seamlessly woven into the structure as well. If we were to observe these impurities clouding a parent’s love, we may see a parent who is so worried about their child’s future success that they are rigid, strict, and shameful when it comes to their schoolwork. Or, we may see a parent who gets angry and lashes out at their child for not following the rules… only because deep down they worry for their child’s future safety. On the surface a child sees one thing – anger, stress, control, blame – but underneath we see a parent’s bursting heart desperately wishing to protect and prepare their children for a hard and sometimes scary world. We see love.

So we follow this windy road which begins at immense love and after we take a few turns we may wind up at the crossroads of Fear & The Deep Instinctual Desire to Protect. As love travels down this road, there is a fundamental shift in the way it is expressed. To the recipient it no longer feels like love, but like all of these other painful emotions we have experienced ourselves. As love travels further and further from its origin, it kicks up enough dust to make a mess of things – covering everyone with a thin layer of dirt, sadness, and confusion. If we go back to the original intention…we realize this is NOT what we wanted. We did not want our love to be distorted and twisted into this other messy thing. Parents simply desire the best for their children. Yet, when love gets shaken up with other emotions – the intention to nurture and protect can instead turn to pain.

So, how do we move closer to purity? How do parents – or anyone who loves another for that matter – move back towards the origin place? First, and most importantly – by learning to love yourself with the purity of heart you wish to devote to your children. As your internal framework moves closer and closer to love, you will find it easier to express love to your children in purer form, closer to its source. This step alone can be a lifelong pursuit, but a worthy one. Your being is your home, and we all deserve a hospitable home to reside in. The best part is that as your kids observe you loving yourself they will learn to do the same for themselves.

Now, as you are remembering what a bad-ass, beautiful being you are, become aware of the patterns in which you are intending love but are winding up elsewhere. Begin to notice where things are getting lost – is it your fear of how your child will be treated? Is it your fear of your child somehow failing? Reflect on the source of the fear or pain which leads to these automatic behaviors. So often we learned these patterns as children observing our own parents. Doing a bit of reflecting may not only help your kids but it may give you some insight into your own experience as well.

Once you have identified what the fear is, begin to confront it. Know that where your child is right now in their life will NOT be where they are in 10-15 years. Their brains and bodies are rapidly developing and they will grow and shift and change so much in the coming years. Do not feel like what they do now must reflect adult expectations, know that there is time for that (even for the teens…especially for the teens!) Exhale and allow your kids to be kids for now. This is what their beautiful brains and bodies need most.

Last but certainly not least, begin to think about what your actions would look like if love was leading? For example, instead of: IF YOU DON’T DO YOUR READING, NO TABLET TIME!!! How about: I can see that reading is not your favorite subject but mama is going to think of ways to make reading feel more fun for you. How about we choose some books together and practice reading? Or instead of: THAT’S IT! YOU BROKE THE RULES AGAIN? BAD BOY, NOW YOU’RE PUNISHED! How about: I know it might feel kind’ve fun to play with the rules and see if you can break them sometimes but we have rules to keep you safe and your safety is important because I love you! By communicating from a space of love, genuine care, and connection your kids will feel safer to take risks and make mistakes, and will blossom in miraculous ways, knowing all along with certainty that they are loved and cherished…as they are and always have been.

With the purest love,

Alix

Threat. We all feel it. It is wired into our DNA to feel (…thanks evolution.) The threat of not having enough. The threat of being unsafe. The threat of not knowing something. The threat of getting into trouble. The threat of imperfection. When categorizing threat, we’d file this complex (yet primitive) emotion under the umbrella of fear; an off-shoot of anxiety. Long-ago coded into our bodies as only the fittest could survive the life-threatening realities of the time. Threat remains an emotional vestige of a once unsafe world. Mutated from its original form, which intended to protect our survival, it no longer serves only to keep us alive but mostly manipulates our desire to be “the fittest.”

Threat is an emotion that isn’t pretty to talk about. Unless you are in a situation that targets your personal or physical safety, no one wants to admit they feel threatened…and yet we are ALL intimately familiar with the feeling. We move through the world sizing ourselves up against everyone we meet. Do I have more or less? Am I happier or sadder? Am I more or less successful? Am I more or less fulfilled? We use other humans as goalposts to determine if we are ok enough. Not only do we size ourselves up against others, we size ourselves up against idealized versions of ourselves. This gold standard of who we think we ought to be creates even more internal threat. Feeling like failures if we don’t measure up to these fabricated versions of perfection. Except, even when we determine that we have more, are more successful, or have lived up to that ideal, the ok feeling does not last long enough. A short burst of relief followed by an ever-present hunt for more. So back into the rat race we leap, trying to figure out what we need in order to feel better. This practice does not make us happier. No, no. On the contrary it gives us tunnel vision and keeps us trapped. Wandering from thing to thing. Measuring if we are better or worse. Seeing if we match up or fall short. Like hungry ghosts aimlessly wandering the world, we fill ourselves up with things only to have them fall through our formless bodies. Trying to see what we can possess in order to quell threat, and just as quickly as we are soothed something else comes along to threaten us. A reminder that we cannot hold on to satisfaction. Things change, feelings change, impermanence is our only constant. Accepted one day, rejected the next. Rich one day, poor the next. An obsessive quest to possess more and more, resulting only in discontent.

Threat keeps us trapped between feelings of superiority and inferiority. Social media, or as I’d like to call it threat-gasoline, fuels feelings of inadequacy as we search for more and more reassurance that we are enough. We obsess about what we must do or have to maintain our standing. Social media instills feelings of superiority (more sparingly of course), when you gain likes and followers, momentarily feeling like you are VERY enough. But just like the unfulfilled ghosts, no matter how many likes you get, it is never enough. You check for more. You create a new post to re-experience the relief offered by the last one. Marketers greedily prey on these vulnerabilities. Like the endless stream of YouTube commercials that PROMISE some critical life-altering information in exchange for your precious time. As they begin to speak you feel the familiar sense of threat activating in your system, you don’t want to miss out so you submit your time (and sanity) in an effort to obtain what they have. Threat even makes its presence known in our families, friendships, and communities. People unwilling to share their prized resources, knowledge, or most famously – recipes, for fear that giving these things will somehow diminish their position in the world. This unbridled fear of being out-succeeded or learning that someone else is more respected, admired, or loved than you is visceral. We want to be the best, the favorite! We see this in siblings as young as 2 and 3 years old – rivalry and competition for parental affection and attention. This does not need to be learned, it is instinctual. The evolution of humanity is the culprit for this intense and unpleasant bodily sensation. This is threat. It is real, and the truth is…it ain’t pretty.

While threat, like many other instincts is natural to our being (e.g., anxiety), it has also been affirmed as functional and healthy by our society. We are conditioned from a young age to compete. Grades, sports, trends. We are bombarded by threat – Who is the best student in the class and who is the worst? Who is the winner and who the loser? Who are the haves and who are the have nots? Incredible vigilance is directed towards status. Yet, it does not have to be this way. Yes, our society has operated under the spell of threat well…since forever, but this does not mean we need to continue being imprisoned by it. If we decide to uninstall threat from our operating system, deeming it irrational like so many other anxieties we carry, we can liberate ourselves from its grip. Instead, society pits us against each other and keeps us stuck in activated states of threat, and then audaciously expects us to all get along! Singing Kumbaya and achieving world peace will JUST NOT happen under these conditions. How can we treat each other with equanimity when we are conditioned to see one another as threats?

So, here we are. Being raised in a culture that reinforces threat. Walking around with fears that our very next move will lead to our having less or being less. Feeling threatened by the success of others and envious of what we don’t have. Making something as beautiful as sharing, feel scary and disadvantageous. However, it is clear that as we perpetuate threat it keeps us locked into a cycle. This cycle that inhibits us from truly caring for each other, supporting each other, and living joyfully with each other. Can you imagine shifting out of the paradigm of threat and into one where we no longer endlessly compete? I can hear the global sigh of relief now. No longer threatened that we will lose our place, lose love, or lose our value. Knowing that our self-esteem cannot be sustained by chasing impermanent things. Creating space to feel like we are enough as we are right now and stepping into a more harmonious and graceful coexistence. Finally feeling safe enough to share our resources and take care of each other. It is exactly what our hungry ghosts have been searching for. Validation, fulfillment, and enough-ness, as we step into the awareness that we no longer have to compete with each other for survival.

So, today I invite you to come into contact with your threat. You can acquaint yourself with it, and if you so choose, you may begin to counteract it with an act of generosity. It may feel uncomfortable or even scary, but see where your threat limits you and then do the opposite. Offer something to someone. Start small. Share what you can with those you can, and watch it come back to you tenfold.

In unity and love,

Alix 💕

Ok, I’ll set the scene. I’m at a party. There are lots of people I don’t know. I meet a new person and we begin to connect…in that way that people unfamiliar with each other connect. Soon comes the inevitable question…”What do you do for a living?” Preparing myself for the potential responses and with some trepidation in my heart I say, “I’m a psychologist.” In this instant realizing they have been unknowingly talking to a mental health professional, they reveal their reaction. Often there is a bit of surprise, sometimes anxiety, sometimes a deep opening up of their personal life. Each time I reveal to a new person what I spend my workdays doing, I witness unique and interesting reactions. The most common reaction I encounter is that of discomfort or anxiety which shifts me into the reassuring role of letting them know, “I’m off the clock!” or “I missed the mind-reading class in grad school…ha ha ha.” This seems to allay their initial concerns that somehow I might be able to suss out who they REALLY are or know things about them which they wish to keep private. These interactions which frankly happen more often than not lead me to believe that there is incredible mystery around my profession. This common response often leaves me wondering… what it is people think I do at work?

So…I’ve been thinking about that, about what it is “I do at work” and honestly it is hard to quantify, qualify, or articulate into a concise statement. While most therapists I know are open-minded, emotionally liberal, and inclusive individuals, what we do at work is confidential, private, cerebral, and internal. On the surface we have many ways of saying what we do… we support people’s mental health, we provide people a safe space to process emotions and experiences, we help people break unhealthy patterns and habits, we provide people with tools and skills to create more emotional balance…yadda yadda yadda. I can go on and on with these descriptive statements that mostly describe the outcome of our work…but while in session, face to face with another human, WHAT DO WE ACTUALLY DO? For some reason wrapping my head around the process in order to explain it has been difficult. Yes, it’s what I do every day. Yes, I have the title of Dr. in front of my name, and yes I went to 9 years of school in order to do what I do…and yet actually explaining what I do feels hard. Of course people at parties are confused…I have trouble explaining it clearly!

So, tonight while munching on dinner and reflecting on my profession…as one does, I realized something. In this realization I was able to simply describe a huge chunk of my work. Ok, ready for it? *Drum roll*…I am… an… AWARENESS BUILDER! Yes, this is what I do. On a day to day basis I support people in building internal and external awareness. Awareness of their emotions. Awareness of their thoughts. Awareness of their relationship patterns. Awareness of their experiences. Awareness of their challenges. Awareness of their reactions. Awareness of their desires. Awareness of their authentic selves. Awareness, awareness, awareness. This is what we do as therapists (along with many other things that perhaps another yummy meal will inspire me to write about) but yes, we help people gain awareness. Awareness so that our clients have the power to recognize and then to eventually shift the things that are no longer working in their lives. People want to know the HOW so quickly. People are eager to “fix” all the things, and yet one cannot fix or solve anything that one does not have awareness for. The WHAT, WHY, and WHERE must come before the HOW. Often, my role is to slow people down so that they can examine their experiences on a micro-level. What happened next – what was the thought that happened after that – how did that thought make you feel? – then what did you do? – then what did you feel ?- then what did you think? Let’s breathe, slow down, and feel into this feeling internally. What does it feel like? SLOWING people down to recognize and build awareness is what I do.

Most often we as humans only acknowledge our strongest emotions or most intense reactions, but there is SO much going on inside of us that we don’t pay attention to. These elusive inner-happenings contribute greatly to who we are and why we do what we do. Therapy supports the process which allows us to actually understand these things. It creates a space in which we can observe ourselves outside of a particular moment and take the time to learn who we really are. For example it might go something like… When you had that BURST OF ANGER that led to that explosive reaction… what was the context where that started and where that experience ended? What does it feel like internally when you have these intense emotions? What is the pattern for this emotional reaction within the context of your life – is this pattern familiar? Let’s talk about building awareness for things you can do inside and outside of these moments to regulate and support yourself… but only after you are aware of what is happening.

Therapy builds your self-awareness. It aims to create internal space so that you can respond instead of react to the never-ending stimuli you encounter. It allows you to look at the patterns and experiences in your life and move you towards greater understanding. It inspires curiosity in you about your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Therapy honors you for the complex and deep being that you are. It acknowledges that there is so much more happening inside of you than meets the eye, and that those internal workings are deserving of attention and thought. That YOU are deserving of attention, understanding, and care as you discover once unknown parts of yourself. Therapy is a poetic personal experience in which through your own bravery, you allow another person to witness you as you reconnect to yourself. Truly, there is nothing more beautiful than this work…and for each human who allows me to accompany them on their journey I am honored, humbled, and grateful. For those of you who have never been to therapy because it seems mysterious, I hope that this inspires some understanding…and for those of you who meet a therapist at your next social gathering (whenever that may be!) I hope this puts you at ease 😉.

Yours in awareness & love,

Alix

Undoubtedly, COVID-19 has been a horrific global calamity. Claiming over 100 million lives, shutting down nations, economies, schools. Burdening hospitals, leaving millions of families stuck in states of grief and despair, leaving recovered patients and healthcare staff stuck in states of emotional trauma and guilt. This worldwide phenomenon has been a nightmare. This “thing,” this virus, has claimed all of our lives in some way. It has shut down our norms, changed the way we do everything. We have developed massive fear around this invisible predator that may lurk anywhere – in our parent’s home, in the grocery store, at a restaurant. We have taken massive personal responsibilities to try to avoid this invisible killer, wearing masks, sanitizing everything and anything, avoiding interaction with loved ones, putting all of our lives on hold as this crisis has stormed the world.

For nearly a year now in the U.S., the lens through which we see everything is filtered through COVID-19. This constant anxious sensation regarding our status of being negative or positive, our worries about making sure we curb our behaviors to keep everyone safe, this general feeling of chaos and confusion – uncertain when things will return “to normal.” It has been an extraordinary experience, a massive paradigm shift in our American lives, where so often we watched things happening in far-off lands and thought “well, that would never happen here!” Well, here we are…and here it is, happening every minute of every day. Every time we put on a mask, we think about it. Every time we squeeze hand sanitizer onto our already dry hands, we think about it. Every time we refrain from hugging those we love, we think about it. It is a constant consideration in all that we do, and it is hard not to notice.

There is no avoiding it, all things COVID are continually smacking us in the face. However, in order to survive this crisis, many of us have had to do exactly the opposite of noticing it and avoid thinking about its impact on our emotions AT ALL. Because, if we paused and we really felt the fear, the grief, the sadness, the loss, the worry, the anger…if we really allowed ourselves to feel all of these things, it would hurt. The emotional pain we would feel in acknowledging this experience in its brutal actuality would be intense and overwhelming, because this has been such a life-altering big deal. In addition, this thing is still clamoring on with no clear ending in sight, and so breaking down to acknowledge the hurt without any resolution might feel emotionally inefficient…we get through it first and THEN we process and grieve and feel. And yet, even though most of us are not allowing ourselves to connect to our emotional experience, the feelings are there and operating in the background whether we see them or not. Just because we do not actively acknowledge these feelings, does not mean that they are not there. COVID-19 has hijacked our emotional life in a tremendous way, and contributes greatly to what we are experiencing daily.

Taking a moment to acknowledge the impact it has had on your life may feel quite hard while it may also feel emotionally liberating. Calling out your truth, as it is, without editing it can give you a sense of just what has been taking place in the background as you’ve had to trudge forward, adapt to this new extreme, and make it work as best as you can. Ask yourself, what has COVID-19 taken from you? What has it given you? What is your emotional reality as a result of this global pandemic? Let it flow, do not judge it, and accept that all of it is valid, real, and ok. If any emotions come as you acknowledge this, make space for them, allow them to be here with you. It is safe to feel what you feel here. This has been a huge life-altering ordeal.

Ok, I’ll go first! Here goes…COVID-19 has been on my mind for a year, it has been tremendously scary, and I have worried about getting sick each time I go outside. I worry about infecting those who are high-risk, I worry about how it is impacting my community, I worry about our healthcare providers who are overworked and experiencing trauma daily. I worry about the development of children who have been robbed of a year of socializing and in-person schooling. I worry about parents who are working full-time jobs and caring for and educating their kids simultaneously, I worry about burn-out and the emotional toll this is all having on families and individuals. I worry about the impact it is having on the mental health of our nation as suicide rates, divorce rates, domestic violence rates, and child abuse rates have increased over this period. COVID-19 has changed everything! I have not seen any of my clients for almost a year and everything I do happens on my computer screen. I miss human connection. I miss interaction. I miss hugs! I miss the freedom of not having to worry about potentially infecting others with nothing but my presence. I miss watching TV shows/movies and not feeling anxious each time there is a scene in a crowded room and people share drinks or touch. I miss not worrying about COVID anytime I see a loved one. I miss not having this constant COVID-related anxiety. On the other hand, as a result of COVID, I have also been given opportunities that I feel tremendously grateful for. In this time of quiet and separation, I have connected to parts of myself I did not know existed. I have been able to move to a place where I am surrounded by nature, which feels so glorious and nourishing. In the absence of a busy social calendar I have had the time and space to work towards deeper personal growth and self-love. I have grown so much more comfortable in being alone and am more comfortable facing and experiencing my emotions as they come. This has been a time of moving inward, and in this internal exploration I have discovered so many riches, which without this time or space I would never have been able to do. COVID-19 HAS changed everything. It has changed the way we live in the world by filling it with anxiety and the constant threat of endangerment, and also for me personally, it has allowed me to develop a new relationship with myself that has been so beautiful and worthwhile. I have so many mixed emotions here, anger, grief, sadness, worry, gratitude, satisfaction, peace. This whole experience has been a rollercoaster, and continues to be one.

COVID-19 has emotionally hijacked all of us. Allow yourself this recognition, and know that if you permit yourself to consciously feel what it is that you are already feeling, you will get through it. It may feel hard and painful, there may be tears or screams, but on the other side of it you will recalibrate. If you have children, check in with them too. They are feeling ALL of it, but do not have the language to discuss how hard this all is. Acknowledge with them that their whole life has changed, that they must miss their friends and their normalcy, that they’ve had to wear masks and haven’t been able to do things like go to the movies or have big birthday parties. Giving them this space to be upset about it will be so helpful for their emotional wellbeing. If you have had a particularly difficult time as a result of COVID-19 there are many resources for free mental health support and I encourage you to utilize them. Have someone witness and support you in your processing of this very traumatic time. You don’t need to go at it alone.

With great affection,

Alix

For as long as I can remember, I have felt like who I really am is “too much” for the world. My version of “too much” looks like overly effusive, loving, affectionate, and caring behavior. Of course writing this as an adult and reading these words back to myself leaves me with the thought, “Well, what’s wrong with being a loving, caring person anyway?” However, for the majority of my life I have had the distinct experience of feeling that there was something wrong with this part of me…something absolutely alien about my big heart and desire to hug just about everyone!

As a child, one of the hardest things we encounter is the arduous task of “fitting in.” To be accepted and acknowledged by our peers… to be invited to the birthday party, asked to sit with at lunch, chosen to play on someone’s team during recess. These were all external signals that we were “doing it right” that we were good enough for our circumstances. However, when these things did not happen, we were left feeling sad, upset, broken, or inadequate. When faced with the disappointment of not being accepted, we decided we must change ourselves. We observed others who were well-liked, we mimicked their behaviors, we tried to “be cool,” to be like everyone else, for the sake of being accepted. In this shift between who we were and who we thought we needed to be, we alienated ourselves from our selves. We learned to deny our instincts and adopt other attitudes we deemed socially appropriate. We left behind our natural tendencies in hopes that an altered version of ourself would lead to the social inclusion and happiness we so desperately longed for.

For me, it took a good amount of time but this tactic eventually worked and I made friends. Finally, I had a group of people to call my own. This felt comforting, yet I could not shake the feeling that I had to keep up this charade to maintain my spot in my social circle. Of all of the things I had to do, feigning “not caring” was the most painful. You see, where I am from (and likely where you are from too) not caring about things was cool. It was acceptable to be smart, but to care too much about a particular subject or book or project was not exactly “cool.” You weren’t supposed to care what people thought about you, you weren’t supposed to care about anything outside the realm of “normal.” In fact, what you were SUPPOSED to do was to play it cool! Just be super chill about it all and let absolutely everything roll down your back. Now this …this highly endorsed and seemingly uniformly practiced attitude could literally not have been more contrary to my genuine nature. You see, I am a sensitive soul, an extreme empath. I literally feel everything so deeply that when speaking to a person about their own pain, I often feel tears welling in my own eyes. I care SO MUCH about other people, about their well-being. I want to know people to their core, to show them they are cared for, loved, adored, thought of…and yet, this part of me was absolutely the least cool part of me growing up. In my observations of others, I saw that they did not share these traits, they didn’t communicate the kind of affection I so badly wanted to display, and everyone pretended like they didn’t care about anything…all the time. Perhaps it wasn’t even pretend for some, perhaps many of my peers simply didn’t care…but not me. I cared about it all.

Reconciling these differences, between who you are and who you believe you need to be in order to be accepted, is so incredibly challenging. Add to that that we are children when we learn to do this for survival, and the complications pile on. We get lost in a sea of wanting to conform to the world around us so that we don’t get left behind, while simultaneously leaving parts of our own selves behind. There seems to be no good solution here. Either we stay true to who we are while feeling ostracized, criticized, or weird (could there be a worse schoolyard criticism?) OR we become another version of ourselves and have friends, but neglect our need to self-express. What a quandary for such young souls to traverse.

The unfortunate part of this routine however, is that most often we propel into adulthood and do not unlearn these social strategies. We believe we must maintain them in order to be liked, to have friends, to do well in business. Perhaps we drop some of the childish things we did in high school and adopt more mature ways of relating, but our internal sense of self, our internal belief that we must be someone different than who we really are, persists. These altered versions of ourselves become so deeply engrained, that many of us don’t even realize that we are still wearing a mask. We don’t even realize that we have been neglecting ourselves for much of our life. We remain stuck on this social merry-go-round, unsure how to get off or how to re-embody who we were before we thought we needed to change.

Throughout my own life I have negated my extraordinary heart, regarded it as something to suppress and push down. Believing, that if I really shared its contents people would think I was “too much”, that I was the weird girl. Believing that since other people so rarely treated me with the kind of acceptance and love that I had for them, that my instinctual behavior was somehow an aberration and in need of constant correction. However, as I grow and develop deeper self-acceptance I am learning that this is not the case. My big heart is who I am, it is my contribution to the world, and if I don’t share it with others how can I expect that they will share anything with me? Beyond that, my big heart is my thing. Every individual has something beautiful they contribute to this world, and we should not expect others to be like us in order for us to be like ourselves.

Conformity breeds one brand of being without room for individuality or uniqueness. Everyone who ascribes to it acts according to an unwritten set of social rules that they believe they must follow for fear they will be cast aside if they don’t. This was the fear we felt as children when we were not accepted by our peers. Fear that there was something inherently wrong with us as a result of our differences, fear which propelled us to change our beautiful individual selves. This fear is strong and often persists throughout our lives unless we consciously choose to change it.

So for now dear ones, I invite you to think about your own experience here. For me, it was my heart, but what was it for you? What did you feel you had to suppress, erase, or abandon in order to survive in the social context of your life? What parts of you do you continue to self-monitor, shut off, or regard as wrong or bad because you are worried that if you don’t, you won’t be liked? What parts of you do you miss the most?

So as you muse upon your own experience I will leave you with one caveat…there is no guarantee that if you reintegrate these parts of yourselves that other people are going to love them. In fact, when I’ve been brave and acted from my big heart, there have been times when it has given others room for pause or created what seemed like internal discomfort. Nonetheless I am now aware that people’s reactions to our authenticity has nothing to do with us and everything to do with them and where they are at. Not everyone can receive what we have to offer, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t offer it anyway! What about the people who can receive it and are missing out because we deny them? What about denying yourself your authentic nature? What could be more important than that? More so, the more you act as you are, the more you demonstrate that this is an ok thing to do, giving permission for others to be as they are too . That in fact, it is so beautiful to be who you really are in this world! I want you to know that when you do so you will attract exactly the right people into your life, the people who can receive you in your wholeness.

So, I bid you a beautiful experience rediscovering your YOU-ness, filled with remembering lost parts, making space for you to be who you are, loving yourself as you are, and knowing that who you are is absolutely perfect.

From my big hearted self, I love you! Thank you for reading ❤