My eyes popped open at 7:45 am after a restless sleep. Their still unfocused gaze went straight to the window, seeing only a haze of whiteness. “Another foggy day…” I thought. A few moments later when my eyes reopened again with clarity, I saw the reality. There was a sheet of snow covering the ground and a quick and steady stream of snow falling out of the sky and collecting quickly onto the earth. “But, it’s still October? I thought. “But, it was 70 degrees last week?” said my brain as I tried to make sense of this phenomenon.

Whether I was ready or not, here came this big change outside of my window, and to be clear, I was NOT ready! Suddenly I felt a bit of stress about the snow due to my lack of preparedness. The tasks that I had set out to accomplish today began rattling through my mind, wondering if the snow would be an impediment. “Would the roads be safe? Would I be able to make the nearly 30 minute drive to the grocery store? Would I unanticipatedly be stuck inside today? But, I checked the weather last night and it didn’t indicate this kind of snow fall!” I could feel the anxiety begin to bubble in my stomach. I felt out of control, totally and utterly hindered by mother nature. What was I to do now?

“Man plans, and God laughs.” I recall my grandfather saying to me as a child, and even then understanding exactly what he meant. The snow this morning, an example of this. When my grandfather’s Navy ship was bombed and he only just escaped death in World War II, an even greater example of this. 2020? Here we go again. We convince ourselves that we have control over things that we cannot and simply do not influence. We plan and we use our thoughts to try to have mastery over situations past, present, and future, that are beyond our control. Why do we do this? Well, to avoid the feeling of anxiety that I experienced this morning. To maintain preparedness and feel like we have agency in our own lives. We yearn for control we simply do not have.

Now I say this so as not to say, “Screw it! Throw all of your plans out the window and let the wind take you where it may.” No no, I cannot part from my planning-self to this extreme, and there is extraordinary merit in planning. It allows our individual lives to maintain a semblance of organization, safety, and normalcy. Taking care of our adult responsibilities requires an inordinate amount of planning (if only I knew then, childhood would’ve felt so much more appealing.) We can praise our frontal lobes for our executive functioning abilities, to be able to think about the wellbeing of our future-selves. As humans we have evolved to be able to make plans and organize our lives. We need(ed) this skill in order to survive…and yet, wrenches are constantly being thrown in our plans. I mean, if we were the characters in an adult-themed lifelike video game it would probably be called “Wrench Dodger.” Picture it now. The nightmarish visual of your avatar excitedly organizing and planning things out as the universe unexpectedly chucks wrenches at you. Does it make you stop planning? No. Somehow it’s like our memory is wiped clean by the time the next plan comes around, because if we actually remembered how hard it was to work around the first wrench, we might just give up and let the chips fall where they may.

So, when is the planning helpful and when is it unnecessary bordering on excessive? The thing is, we don’t know exactly? We have no idea when the wrench will come and we have no idea when we will be able to execute our plans as we mapped out internally. Just like playing a slot machine, sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. We cannot predict the machine’s patterns so we just keep playing, because the wins feel so good! Feeling in control of things in our life can feel so…yummy! Yet, when things do not go our way, when the unexpected occurs, it can be devastating. It can knock the wind out of us to receive unexpected news, experience an unexpected event, or even to unexpectedly need to change the plans that you previously laid out for yourself because they no longer make sense in your life. All of this planning and energy directed towards something, and poof, in an instant everything can change, the plan dissolves, and almost immediately your mind fills the space by trying to come up with a new plan (or is that just my mind?).

We cannot predict the unexpected things that happen in our external or internal worlds. We may agonize over them, such as the upcoming election, which seems to have absolutely everyone on edge, but in reality the agony does not shift the outcome and only adds to our stress and anxiety. While many things cannot be guaranteed in this life, there are a few that can, and one of those few certainties is that our lives will not go exactly as we plan.

So, can we prepare for the unexpected that lingers in our midst? Well, yes and no. No, in that we have no idea what the unexpected will be, how it will impact us, why it will happen, and so forth – it will always bring with it an element of surprise. However, also yes. Yes in that, we should always expect the unexpected to be a part of our lives. When in the throes of meticulous planning, take a step back and keep this in mind. This reminder can serve as a layer of protection from the unexpected, so that we are not so surprised or devastated by it when it pops up again and again in our lives. Expect, that there will be many things you cannot control in your life and that this is normal and ok. Trust, that as scary or uncomfortable as the unexpected thing may be, that you will make it through. Human beings are strong, resilient creatures. We have evolved to make it through tremendously difficult experiences. So, when life throws a wrench in your plan, pause, breathe deeply, and remember that this is exactly what is to be expected.

Now that we know what to expect, I want to take this one step further. What if we can simply shift our perspective around the unexpected. While yes, some of the unexpected things that happen in our lives are tragic and do not add joy in any way shape or form, other unexpected events do just that if we allow them to. So today, I have a choice. I can stay inside, hide from the snow, and allow it to continue aggravating me, or I can put on my snow boots, feel the satisfying crunch of fresh powder below my feet, and dance in it! The unexpected things that happen in our lives are really just surprises, and surprises can be beautiful after all.

Now, I’m certain that we have all had the distinct experience of talking about a loved one…or not a loved one, “behind their back.” When I use this term I imagine what comes to mind is some sort of judgmental mean negativity. To be talked about behind one’s back is not usually thought of as a positive…and yet it’s something we all partake in. What it simply means is, to talk about someone when they are not present. To talk about the actions, patterns, and experiences of someone who is not in the room. Such as…”Haven’t you noticed that Samantha gets so angry for no reason? I can’t understand why she flips so quickly.” Or. “Why does Thomas have such low self-esteem? He’s so stuck and can’t see how great he is.” These are the kind of comments I mean. Our observations of the people in our lives. Things that we see plainly and clearly and can come to a consensus about with others who know them well. Yet, these are things that most of the time we would never say “in front of their backs.” Why is that? Sensitivity. Compassion. Fear of hurting their feelings. We are so afraid to point out someone’s own actions that most often we ignore the elephant in the room. Ironic isn’t it, how we can’t share our observations of our friends and family so that we don’t hurt their feelings? Like somehow the truth of someone’s own life is too harsh for them to ingest?

I find it so incredibly interesting that with regard to many aspects of our lives, others can see us more clearly than we can see ourselves. I mean, what is up with that… really? We live inside of our own bodies, we see out of our own eyes, and we experience the thoughts within our own minds. We make our own choices and are behind the wheel of our own experiences…and yet we can’t seem to put two and two together. We can’t seem to take a step outside of our internal world for long enough to understand what in the actual hell is going on. It’s like a lab rat inside of a maze, scurrying around trying to find the cheese, while our loved ones, playing the role of the scientists, are standing over our cages saying, “nope you’ve tried that way already little guy, and it didn’t work!” We get stuck. Things become habitual. We do what we know. We do what is comfortable. CHANGE IS HARD! Yet, if only we could really see ourselves for long enough, maybe we’d be more ready and willing to address the dysfunctional patterns holding us back in our lives?

Being inside of ourselves provides such a narrow vista. Like living in a small town and never leaving…believing fully that this is what the world has to offer. Walmart, a Sonic, gas stations, and the local bar. Could that be it? Without the observations and support from our loved ones we might not know what is fully possible for us. We might not see alternative for our lives. Yet, when our loved ones are brave enough to share the “behind the back talk” content, it can also be incredibly hard to digest. It requires removing one’s ego and being curious about the possibility that some of the ways that you are existing may not be in your best interest, and that beyond that there are things you could do to feel better. But, how? How to change? How to be kinder to yourself and others? How to not lose your temper every time something doesn’t go your way? How to take better care of yourself and your environment? Well, we won’t know how if we aren’t even aware of what is happening in the first place.

While yes, sometimes the words our loved ones say about us ARE judgmental, negative, and sometimes straight up incorrect; that is not what I’m talking about here. Not the meanness or pettiness or shit-talk. I mean the observations that come from a place of concern and love which illuminate the parts of us that we have difficulty accepting or cannot even see.

So, I invite you to take a moment to become curious about yourself. Without defensiveness and without judgment. To observe your own life holistically. Take a step aside and ask yourself…how is my life going? How do I feel about what is happening in it? Sometimes journaling about this can be immensely helpful. Write it down, see what comes out, reflect on it, and keep noticing. If you are brave enough, ask some loved ones who may be able to see things more clearly than you what they notice, and ask them to deliver it with compassionate honesty.

To see ourselves is hard, and often we may have reactions to how others perceive us, but we must be brave in order to shift our relationship with ourselves. It is not easy, it is a continuous journey, and with each layer you begin to peel back you will be surprised at what you find and develop greater understanding for yourself. When you are ready to take a step back, the blurriness that has unknowingly surrounded you for your whole life will begin to come into focus and you will begin to see yourself with greater clarity.

Truth is a funny thing. I recall learning about opposites in grade school. Teachers citing examples such as, big and small, short and tall, true and false. These concepts were taught in this finite way, as if to mean they were unshakable. As I grew older and experienced the world in all of its complexities, I learned that things were just not that simple. That relativism is interwoven into all things. That these ideas that we learn as truths, are all up for interpretation. “Yes he is neat, neat for a boy.” “No it’s small, small for a house.” We work tirelessly in our minds to make sense of things, to understand things in relation to other things we know. Why do this? Why work so hard? It is how we make sense of the world. It is how our mind prevents us from going mad, organizing the constant incoming stimuli based on other stimuli we have previously taken in. Categories are erected in our minds, and these categories are as unique as finger prints, based upon what we’ve known and seen and done. Truths, are immensely personal.

In an ironic twist of fate, the United States, a name claimed during a victorious and unified moment, is hardly united at the moment. And why? A matter of personal truths. The belief systems and varied experiences of the citizens of this country create fragmented realities. Like somehow we are all existing on different timelines, hearing different news, feeling oh so many different things. What is real? What is truth? How do we know what to believe with constant contrasting viewpoints being hurled at us? How do we know what to believe when the powers that be, whether coming from politicians, social media, journalists, or news anchors proclaim such different ideas? Constant divergence. Differing opinions. Differing ideologies. Finding common ground only in that their proclamations are the ultimate truth.

Because we aren’t confused enough already being presented with so many versions of “the truth”, we are also subject to intentional manipulation. A long-standing practice by people in positions of power, shielding citizens from unattractive information, due to fear for their public image, public safety, or sheerly due to narcissistic tendencies and hubris. However, when factored in to the sheer variety of truths that already exist based on personal experiences, the lies and manipulation create even more of a swirly-whirly mess. When facts are manipulated, but millions of people claim them as their truth, the result is yet more fragmented segments of reality.

It makes it hard, and muddled, and perplexing to know what is real and what is not. It makes distorted perspectives more common than clarity and understanding. It leads to bewilderment, immense stress, and ultimately a feeling of unsafety. If I am living in a different version of reality than my neighbor, how can we ever be united? How can we ever get along? How will we ever support one another for the common good of our country? If we know that our brains create categories to organize us and to help us feel safe and secure in our environments, what is the collective psychological impact on our nation due to the ever-changing versions of our country’s narrative?

I wonder if given the nature of relativism and personal truths, if it will ever be possible for our nation to get on the same page. Is coming to a consensus out of the question? Because, even if our realities were streamlined, the manipulation ended, and we were consistently presented with just one version of the truth, people would still interpret it in their own unique ways given their own unique experiences. Because your truth and my truth are likely two different things.

Some people grow up just knowing who they are. Knowing with certainty what their likes and dislikes are, knowing what they’d like to pursue, and knowing that it is safe to be who they are in the world unabashedly and unapologetically. Those who come to this understanding at a young age have a great advantage in life. Yes, we are always growing and discovering different aspects of ourselves, however this foundational knowledge is immensely helpful to young souls as they traverse the world. It instills confidence, passion, and direction. It allows them to know themselves, their core values, and what they stand for.

Why is it that some people just know themselves, while many others lack this insight? It could be a character trait, the way someone comes into the world, or perhaps they were raised in a family culture where individuality was praised and self-awareness was accepted. No matter the reason a person comes to know themselves, it is a beautiful and important gift.

Then there are those of us (self-disclosure, I am in this group!) who did NOT grow up with this self-awareness. Who maybe, never even thought about who they were, who just existed, tried to fit in and meet everyone else’s expectations, and who didn’t even know that they were allowed to have a unique self. The people who never developed their passions, who never engaged in self-inquiry, or never recognized that individuality was something to be praised and not rebuked. Those who have spent the majority of their lives existing for others with unconscious fears about what it would mean to be themselves in the world. Fears because they never cultivated a self and the unknown is scary… or fears based on internal beliefs that who they actually are is boring or inadequate.

Unfortunately, when we turn away from our authentic selves it causes great internal discord. If we have never taken the opportunity to know and respect our true nature, we deny ourselves fulfillment and ultimately happiness. Yet, it can be so incredibly difficult to know who we are and be true. Why? Walls of fear and insecurity keep us from ourselves. Fear of how we will be perceived, fear of abandonment, rejection, judgment, risk, loss, etc. If we understood who we are, listened, and stepped into our truth, what would that mean for our relationships? For our professions? For our lives? Without having ever tried to express your unique self, the idea of doing this is at a minimum anxiety provoking, but maybe even terrifying!

However, fear and avoidance of our truth creates blockages in our character, relationships, occupations, and our lives. We may feel safe behind that wall; it is comfortable and we know what to expect. Unfortunately, this safety is an illusion. When we deny our truth, we are never safe. Without knowing who we are and how to be, we have to monitor ourselves in comparison to others. This creates judgment, jealousy, insecurity, and ultimately negativity in our lives. We will never feel like enough, because we have not taken the time to discover what enough means to us.

So, I write this with encouragement and hope that if you fall into the group of people who have not had the opportunity or courage to really get to know and understand yourself, than I ask that you give it a try! This could mean anything – there is no wrong way to do this. You might spend a day with yourself and see what it is you want to do when no one else is around. Journal about all of the things you love in this world (there is no thing too small). Think about what is really important to you in this life. Think about what you might do differently if you weren’t worried about what others would think. Whatever you come up with, do not minimize or judge it! Everything that is unique to you is beautiful. Praise and accept it. Even if all you can come up with is that you enjoy tea and flowers, that is great! Those are parts of you, part of what makes your heart sing. Do not discredit the details of who you are. The more self-discovery you engage in, the more you will be able to channel that knowledge into your actions and the more fulfilled you will be in your life. Pay attention and honor yourself. You are worth it, I promise!

Xoxo,

Dr. Alix

We live in a fix-it society where quick solutions are sought after for every hardship (or not-so-hardship) we encounter. However, where society’s desire to compulsively solve has entered into dangerous territory, is in the realm of emotions. This appeal to fix emotions, as though they are abnormal, scary, or dangerous, is everywhere. The prevailing narrative about emotions in our nation is that happiness is always attainable and that we can have total control over our feelings. This creates a system that places blame on individuals for not being able to attain something that…let’s face it, isn’t even attainable in the first place.

Let’s be clear about something, emotions are not static. No one on this planet is ALWAYS in a state of happiness, relaxation, or peace. Our feelings shift from moment to moment. This is reality and is what should be expected. To believe that we have ultimate control over our emotions is an illusion. Feelings come and go, just as the weather shifts from day-to-day or even moment to moment. One day we may feel anxious, sad, or pained. The next day we may wake up and see sunny skies, with feelings of excitement, happiness, or peace in our hearts. While yes, there may be daily factors contributing to our complex emotions such as familial stressors or professional deadlines, sometimes there is no particular rhyme or reason for our feelings. Sometimes a good day is just good and a bad day is just bad. Sometimes it just is.

This idea that is broadcasted in our society that each day is “supposed to be” great and that if it is not, there is something we should be doing to fix it, is destructive. It leaves no room for the acceptance of emotions and may even inspire panic if feelings get big and overwhelming. It turns something that is as variable as the weather, into something that is meant to be unchanging and fixed. With the knowledge that our feelings can at times be as unpredictable as the weather, doesn’t it all make more sense? Perhaps it may even be relieving? It is ok to have a hard day; it does not mean that anything is wrong with you or that you’ve failed in some way. Kids and adults alike, we all have hard days or hard moments. It is completely natural and normal to feel things and to feel things deeply. It does not make us bad or sick or wrong. Emotions crave our acceptance, not our resistance and rebellion. Accept and acknowledge your hard, anxious, or stressful day. Learn to be ok with it. Just through recognizing it with a stance of acceptance, you are practicing self-care and self-kindness. This practice is transformative on its own.

Now, what is the difference between a bad day or a bad week or a bad month or a bad year? While yes, every sentient being on this planet may have a bad day from time to time or a bad week from time to time, but if you are finding that your emotions are not lifting and are persisting month by month, then it is time to ask for help*. When a negative feeling is sticking around for too long, so long that it becomes the norm, it signifies a blockage in your emotional arteries that requires some intervention. The ebbs and flows of emotional highs and lows are what we should expect and what we should strive for, not perfect and constant happiness, nor accepting a life filled with constant emotional pain.

In our world filled with glossy and dream-like representations of the “lives” of strangers on social media, and the unrealistic desire to live our lives in accordance with these overly edited and curated images, we must remember that reality is raw, it is real, and sometimes it is extremely hard. When a bad day crosses your path, just remember that the next will be new and filled with different experiences. Have some acceptance for the crummy day, and know that sooner or later, equilibrium will be restored. Create a list of things you know will help you get through bad days (e.g., reducing your workload, going for a walk, having a smoothie, meditating, being as gentle and kind to yourself as possible), and know that you are not alone in your experience.

*If you are experiencing prolonged states of depression, anxiety, or other emotional pain please do seek psychological care. Psychologytoday.com is a great website to find a therapist. You can call the number on the back of your insurance card to find referrals in-network or you can ask your primary care physician for some referrals.  If things are severe and you are having thoughts of self-harm or suicide please go to your nearest emergency room for an evaluation. There are many resources that will help; you don’t have to suffer alone.

• https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ 
  • 1-800-273-8255
• National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) Helpline: 1-800-950-NAMI (6264)

I keep asking myself this question. When? Over and over I roll this word around in my mind as my stomach does little flips and my mind anxiously ponders the state of our world. When will I read the news, scroll through social media, or turn on the television and stop seeing destruction, violence, and evil in the world? When will children stop being murdered at what should be as a safe haven for learning and growing? When will people stop being physically violated and killed for being born with more melanin in their skin or being born of a particular religion? When will women stop being sexually assaulted and made to feel that they are powerless and will never matter? When will wealth stop being more powerful than laws and morality? When will this world wake up and start taking care of the environment and mother nature who gives to us so selflessly? When will the genocides end? When will we start taking care of each other?

The more I think about the set of dilemmas in our world, the sicker with nausea I grow. Over and over and over again I see the good in this world get shut down and get trampled on by the powers of politics and money. The good exist, we are here and we are fighting with everything we have to ensure that the fate of human existence doesn’t quickly devolve into catastrophe and destruction. Unfortunately the unknowing, the ignorant, and the lost ones continue to operate in their loud unapologetic way, leaving a path of destruction behind them. There is a lack of foresight, a stubborn refusal to look at the facts and at history; insisting that because they want something to be, the consequences must not be real.

I ask and I ask and I ask, and the only answer to my question I can come up with is “when the hate stops.” When there is no longer hate in the hearts of the citizens of this world, is when this will all stop. When everyone is able to love themselves fully and without abandon, is when we will be able to love and take care of the world. When love guides our way, emanating from our hearts and our souls, is when this will all stop. Only when we learn how to love unconditionally and without bias, will this world heal. When will that be? Or a more realistic question may be, will it ever be? The context we exist in is one filled with anxiety, hostility, and divisiveness. It permeates our being and contributes to feelings of stress, discomfort, sadness, and helplessness. This moment in time has taken on its own energy, and it feels like it cannot be stopped or swayed, like it is immortal. However, when I look at history I know that all evil things eventually come to an end.

While I cannot provide an answer to my own question of “when?” I can provide an alternative question, “how?” How will this stop? The answer I can come up with is through promoting love in everything that we do, starting with ourselves. Standing strong in the face of this destruction, not allowing it to topple us over, or render us helpless, but to contribute. Little by little if we all do good in the ways that we know how to, the love will overpower the hate. The idea is not to get overwhelmed, we are not going to be able to tackle every issue or change everything that we are worried about, but just start where we can and with what we have. I witnessed this in action yesterday as I walked down the street and overheard a young man tell a volunteer from UNESCO that while he did not have any money to donate to the cause he would like to volunteer his time. This is love, this is beauty, and with this was a reminder that we are not powerless to the lost souls filled with confusion that are acting in anger instead of love. We are powerful and we have enough love to spread. One can only hope that it will be contagious.   Through love, we will be healed. We must start with ourselves. When we are filled with this beautiful feeling, it will pour out from our souls onto the world and begin its repair.

Welcome to my blog, I thank you for your patronage and am happy to know that you have stumbled upon my journey as you venture upon your own.

I have always loved to write, fantasized even about publishing a book one day. What about? The topic has always been in the details. I have always just wanted to share a part of myself with the world and writing is one of the most intimate ways I know how to do that. My observations of the world have always come to me in curious form. Most often they hit me like a ton of bricks without warning, and then just as quickly as they come, they pass. A space to record these musings, even if only for my own reflection is something that I have desired for some time.

As a psychologist in the buzzing metropolis of New York City, I encounter all kinds of people who each in their own way, leave me with food for thought. I have gone into a field of study that each day, allows me to get to know and understand people and their thinking at their very core. My career in psychology has been an amazing and stimulating yet at times challenging exercise, for which I am grateful to partake in. Not only am I grateful, but I consider myself lucky to be able to support the children, teens, and adults with whom I work with on a daily basis. While I sit in the role of helper, so often the individuals sitting on my couch help me see the world in new and interesting ways. They challenge my understanding of things and motivate my continued growth. To accept people, their ideas, and beliefs is to welcome a lifelong commitment to growth.

As the author of this blog, I will share with you some of my insights into emotions, life, society, parenting, childhood, and self-development. I hope that my thoughts inspire thoughts within you, because it is in this space that growing happens.

With love,

Alix