In between love and everything else.

“Prove it! Prove that you love me.” As you are asked to articulate the inarticulable you begin to fumble through your mental rolodex for examples of “love.” However, as you pick apart your memories you begin to stumble upon other images that scream lots of things…love is not one of them. You know in your heart that you love this human, without a doubt, so why is it so easy to find these other moments? The ones that cause pain? Shame? Blame? Hurt? Love in its purest form does not have anything to do with these kinds of interactions, and yet here you are catching yourself doing them anyway.

I have the distinct honor of working with children, which means I also have the distinct honor of working with parents. First of all let me just say that if it were up to me I would hand out Nobel Peace Prizes along with my calendar invites. I mean between the juggling, the balancing, the listening, the loving, the teaching, the caring…I have profound respect for these humans/superheroes who do so much – all the time. I’ve worked with many different types of parents with varying parenting styles, and here’s what I’ve undoubtedly learned from my experience… parents REALLY love their kids! The amount of care and love that parents have for the sweet beings they bring into this world is unparalleled, unlike any other kind of love.

Yet, even with the incredible foundation of love between parent and child…somewhere along the way things can get lost. Take a moment to reflect on your relationship with your own parents. *Pause* This simple exercise will likely bring up an array of complex emotions. Yes there is love (for most) but what about all of the other things woven around the love? The guilt, the shame, the criticism, the blame, the neglect, the pressure, the expectations. These relationships are so multidimensional. So…WHAT HAPPENS between the purest most beautiful form of love in the world and these experiences we all seem to have, replete with negative emotions? What gets lost in translation between us?

When you think of love, in its purest form, what comes to mind? What does it feel like, look like, smell like, think like to you? How does love behave? Exist? To me, love is beauty. Pure unconditional acceptance, authenticity, compassion, generosity, grace, kindness, presence, respect. There’s nothing else quite like it. Given its importance it’s interesting that somewhere along the way we internalize the message that our love, this powerful and incredible force, is something meant for others, to be directed outward to those we care about. All the while distancing us from the essential truth that first and foremost our love is meant for us. Pause on that for a moment. Breathe into the idea that love is not only meant to be directed outwards, but that we can cultivate love inside of ourselves SO that it can glide out easily and unconditionally from us. Where else does it come from if not from inside of us? Once you feel compassion, kindness, and gentleness for your own experience, you can’t help but treat others the same way. Your internal model becomes your external framework. Love for self trickles out to all things…trickle down loveconomics…if you will.

Now sadly, many of us have not been taught to tend this internal space and none of us have been privy to an existence where love is all there is. Our world is not (yet) set up to support this kind of purity. There has been too much hardship, too many intergenerational traumas, too much pain. As these sore spots filter through our emotions and experiences, the parent-child relationship is not exempt. So, while love forms the bedrock between parent and child, and is arguably the foundation from which most parent behaviors are sourced, fear and pain are seamlessly woven into the structure as well. If we were to observe these impurities clouding a parent’s love, we may see a parent who is so worried about their child’s future success that they are rigid, strict, and shameful when it comes to their schoolwork. Or, we may see a parent who gets angry and lashes out at their child for not following the rules… only because deep down they worry for their child’s future safety. On the surface a child sees one thing – anger, stress, control, blame – but underneath we see a parent’s bursting heart desperately wishing to protect and prepare their children for a hard and sometimes scary world. We see love.

So we follow this windy road which begins at immense love and after we take a few turns we may wind up at the crossroads of Fear & The Deep Instinctual Desire to Protect. As love travels down this road, there is a fundamental shift in the way it is expressed. To the recipient it no longer feels like love, but like all of these other painful emotions we have experienced ourselves. As love travels further and further from its origin, it kicks up enough dust to make a mess of things – covering everyone with a thin layer of dirt, sadness, and confusion. If we go back to the original intention…we realize this is NOT what we wanted. We did not want our love to be distorted and twisted into this other messy thing. Parents simply desire the best for their children. Yet, when love gets shaken up with other emotions – the intention to nurture and protect can instead turn to pain.

So, how do we move closer to purity? How do parents – or anyone who loves another for that matter – move back towards the origin place? First, and most importantly – by learning to love yourself with the purity of heart you wish to devote to your children. As your internal framework moves closer and closer to love, you will find it easier to express love to your children in purer form, closer to its source. This step alone can be a lifelong pursuit, but a worthy one. Your being is your home, and we all deserve a hospitable home to reside in. The best part is that as your kids observe you loving yourself they will learn to do the same for themselves.

Now, as you are remembering what a bad-ass, beautiful being you are, become aware of the patterns in which you are intending love but are winding up elsewhere. Begin to notice where things are getting lost – is it your fear of how your child will be treated? Is it your fear of your child somehow failing? Reflect on the source of the fear or pain which leads to these automatic behaviors. So often we learned these patterns as children observing our own parents. Doing a bit of reflecting may not only help your kids but it may give you some insight into your own experience as well.

Once you have identified what the fear is, begin to confront it. Know that where your child is right now in their life will NOT be where they are in 10-15 years. Their brains and bodies are rapidly developing and they will grow and shift and change so much in the coming years. Do not feel like what they do now must reflect adult expectations, know that there is time for that (even for the teens…especially for the teens!) Exhale and allow your kids to be kids for now. This is what their beautiful brains and bodies need most.

Last but certainly not least, begin to think about what your actions would look like if love was leading? For example, instead of: IF YOU DON’T DO YOUR READING, NO TABLET TIME!!! How about: I can see that reading is not your favorite subject but mama is going to think of ways to make reading feel more fun for you. How about we choose some books together and practice reading? Or instead of: THAT’S IT! YOU BROKE THE RULES AGAIN? BAD BOY, NOW YOU’RE PUNISHED! How about: I know it might feel kind’ve fun to play with the rules and see if you can break them sometimes but we have rules to keep you safe and your safety is important because I love you! By communicating from a space of love, genuine care, and connection your kids will feel safer to take risks and make mistakes, and will blossom in miraculous ways, knowing all along with certainty that they are loved and cherished…as they are and always have been.

With the purest love,

Alix