Blog

Threat. We all feel it. It is wired into our DNA to feel (…thanks evolution.) The threat of not having enough. The threat of being unsafe. The threat of not knowing something. The threat of getting into trouble. The threat of imperfection. When categorizing threat, we’d file this complex (yet primitive) emotion under the umbrella of fear; an off-shoot of anxiety. Long-ago coded into our bodies as only the fittest could survive the life-threatening realities of the time. Threat remains an emotional vestige of a once unsafe world. Mutated from its original form, which intended to protect our survival, it no longer serves only to keep us alive but mostly manipulates our desire to be “the fittest.”

Threat is an emotion that isn’t pretty to talk about. Unless you are in a situation that targets your personal or physical safety, no one wants to admit they feel threatened…and yet we are ALL intimately familiar with the feeling. We move through the world sizing ourselves up against everyone we meet. Do I have more or less? Am I happier or sadder? Am I more or less successful? Am I more or less fulfilled? We use other humans as goalposts to determine if we are ok enough. Not only do we size ourselves up against others, we size ourselves up against idealized versions of ourselves. This gold standard of who we think we ought to be creates even more internal threat. Feeling like failures if we don’t measure up to these fabricated versions of perfection. Except, even when we determine that we have more, are more successful, or have lived up to that ideal, the ok feeling does not last long enough. A short burst of relief followed by an ever-present hunt for more. So back into the rat race we leap, trying to figure out what we need in order to feel better. This practice does not make us happier. No, no. On the contrary it gives us tunnel vision and keeps us trapped. Wandering from thing to thing. Measuring if we are better or worse. Seeing if we match up or fall short. Like hungry ghosts aimlessly wandering the world, we fill ourselves up with things only to have them fall through our formless bodies. Trying to see what we can possess in order to quell threat, and just as quickly as we are soothed something else comes along to threaten us. A reminder that we cannot hold on to satisfaction. Things change, feelings change, impermanence is our only constant. Accepted one day, rejected the next. Rich one day, poor the next. An obsessive quest to possess more and more, resulting only in discontent.

Threat keeps us trapped between feelings of superiority and inferiority. Social media, or as I’d like to call it threat-gasoline, fuels feelings of inadequacy as we search for more and more reassurance that we are enough. We obsess about what we must do or have to maintain our standing. Social media instills feelings of superiority (more sparingly of course), when you gain likes and followers, momentarily feeling like you are VERY enough. But just like the unfulfilled ghosts, no matter how many likes you get, it is never enough. You check for more. You create a new post to re-experience the relief offered by the last one. Marketers greedily prey on these vulnerabilities. Like the endless stream of YouTube commercials that PROMISE some critical life-altering information in exchange for your precious time. As they begin to speak you feel the familiar sense of threat activating in your system, you don’t want to miss out so you submit your time (and sanity) in an effort to obtain what they have. Threat even makes its presence known in our families, friendships, and communities. People unwilling to share their prized resources, knowledge, or most famously – recipes, for fear that giving these things will somehow diminish their position in the world. This unbridled fear of being out-succeeded or learning that someone else is more respected, admired, or loved than you is visceral. We want to be the best, the favorite! We see this in siblings as young as 2 and 3 years old – rivalry and competition for parental affection and attention. This does not need to be learned, it is instinctual. The evolution of humanity is the culprit for this intense and unpleasant bodily sensation. This is threat. It is real, and the truth is…it ain’t pretty.

While threat, like many other instincts is natural to our being (e.g., anxiety), it has also been affirmed as functional and healthy by our society. We are conditioned from a young age to compete. Grades, sports, trends. We are bombarded by threat – Who is the best student in the class and who is the worst? Who is the winner and who the loser? Who are the haves and who are the have nots? Incredible vigilance is directed towards status. Yet, it does not have to be this way. Yes, our society has operated under the spell of threat well…since forever, but this does not mean we need to continue being imprisoned by it. If we decide to uninstall threat from our operating system, deeming it irrational like so many other anxieties we carry, we can liberate ourselves from its grip. Instead, society pits us against each other and keeps us stuck in activated states of threat, and then audaciously expects us to all get along! Singing Kumbaya and achieving world peace will JUST NOT happen under these conditions. How can we treat each other with equanimity when we are conditioned to see one another as threats?

So, here we are. Being raised in a culture that reinforces threat. Walking around with fears that our very next move will lead to our having less or being less. Feeling threatened by the success of others and envious of what we don’t have. Making something as beautiful as sharing, feel scary and disadvantageous. However, it is clear that as we perpetuate threat it keeps us locked into a cycle. This cycle that inhibits us from truly caring for each other, supporting each other, and living joyfully with each other. Can you imagine shifting out of the paradigm of threat and into one where we no longer endlessly compete? I can hear the global sigh of relief now. No longer threatened that we will lose our place, lose love, or lose our value. Knowing that our self-esteem cannot be sustained by chasing impermanent things. Creating space to feel like we are enough as we are right now and stepping into a more harmonious and graceful coexistence. Finally feeling safe enough to share our resources and take care of each other. It is exactly what our hungry ghosts have been searching for. Validation, fulfillment, and enough-ness, as we step into the awareness that we no longer have to compete with each other for survival.

So, today I invite you to come into contact with your threat. You can acquaint yourself with it, and if you so choose, you may begin to counteract it with an act of generosity. It may feel uncomfortable or even scary, but see where your threat limits you and then do the opposite. Offer something to someone. Start small. Share what you can with those you can, and watch it come back to you tenfold.

In unity and love,

Alix 💕

Ok, I’ll set the scene. I’m at a party. There are lots of people I don’t know. I meet a new person and we begin to connect…in that way that people unfamiliar with each other connect. Soon comes the inevitable question…”What do you do for a living?” Preparing myself for the potential responses and with some trepidation in my heart I say, “I’m a psychologist.” In this instant realizing they have been unknowingly talking to a mental health professional, they reveal their reaction. Often there is a bit of surprise, sometimes anxiety, sometimes a deep opening up of their personal life. Each time I reveal to a new person what I spend my workdays doing, I witness unique and interesting reactions. The most common reaction I encounter is that of discomfort or anxiety which shifts me into the reassuring role of letting them know, “I’m off the clock!” or “I missed the mind-reading class in grad school…ha ha ha.” This seems to allay their initial concerns that somehow I might be able to suss out who they REALLY are or know things about them which they wish to keep private. These interactions which frankly happen more often than not lead me to believe that there is incredible mystery around my profession. This common response often leaves me wondering… what it is people think I do at work?

So…I’ve been thinking about that, about what it is “I do at work” and honestly it is hard to quantify, qualify, or articulate into a concise statement. While most therapists I know are open-minded, emotionally liberal, and inclusive individuals, what we do at work is confidential, private, cerebral, and internal. On the surface we have many ways of saying what we do… we support people’s mental health, we provide people a safe space to process emotions and experiences, we help people break unhealthy patterns and habits, we provide people with tools and skills to create more emotional balance…yadda yadda yadda. I can go on and on with these descriptive statements that mostly describe the outcome of our work…but while in session, face to face with another human, WHAT DO WE ACTUALLY DO? For some reason wrapping my head around the process in order to explain it has been difficult. Yes, it’s what I do every day. Yes, I have the title of Dr. in front of my name, and yes I went to 9 years of school in order to do what I do…and yet actually explaining what I do feels hard. Of course people at parties are confused…I have trouble explaining it clearly!

So, tonight while munching on dinner and reflecting on my profession…as one does, I realized something. In this realization I was able to simply describe a huge chunk of my work. Ok, ready for it? *Drum roll*…I am… an… AWARENESS BUILDER! Yes, this is what I do. On a day to day basis I support people in building internal and external awareness. Awareness of their emotions. Awareness of their thoughts. Awareness of their relationship patterns. Awareness of their experiences. Awareness of their challenges. Awareness of their reactions. Awareness of their desires. Awareness of their authentic selves. Awareness, awareness, awareness. This is what we do as therapists (along with many other things that perhaps another yummy meal will inspire me to write about) but yes, we help people gain awareness. Awareness so that our clients have the power to recognize and then to eventually shift the things that are no longer working in their lives. People want to know the HOW so quickly. People are eager to “fix” all the things, and yet one cannot fix or solve anything that one does not have awareness for. The WHAT, WHY, and WHERE must come before the HOW. Often, my role is to slow people down so that they can examine their experiences on a micro-level. What happened next – what was the thought that happened after that – how did that thought make you feel? – then what did you do? – then what did you feel ?- then what did you think? Let’s breathe, slow down, and feel into this feeling internally. What does it feel like? SLOWING people down to recognize and build awareness is what I do.

Most often we as humans only acknowledge our strongest emotions or most intense reactions, but there is SO much going on inside of us that we don’t pay attention to. These elusive inner-happenings contribute greatly to who we are and why we do what we do. Therapy supports the process which allows us to actually understand these things. It creates a space in which we can observe ourselves outside of a particular moment and take the time to learn who we really are. For example it might go something like… When you had that BURST OF ANGER that led to that explosive reaction… what was the context where that started and where that experience ended? What does it feel like internally when you have these intense emotions? What is the pattern for this emotional reaction within the context of your life – is this pattern familiar? Let’s talk about building awareness for things you can do inside and outside of these moments to regulate and support yourself… but only after you are aware of what is happening.

Therapy builds your self-awareness. It aims to create internal space so that you can respond instead of react to the never-ending stimuli you encounter. It allows you to look at the patterns and experiences in your life and move you towards greater understanding. It inspires curiosity in you about your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Therapy honors you for the complex and deep being that you are. It acknowledges that there is so much more happening inside of you than meets the eye, and that those internal workings are deserving of attention and thought. That YOU are deserving of attention, understanding, and care as you discover once unknown parts of yourself. Therapy is a poetic personal experience in which through your own bravery, you allow another person to witness you as you reconnect to yourself. Truly, there is nothing more beautiful than this work…and for each human who allows me to accompany them on their journey I am honored, humbled, and grateful. For those of you who have never been to therapy because it seems mysterious, I hope that this inspires some understanding…and for those of you who meet a therapist at your next social gathering (whenever that may be!) I hope this puts you at ease 😉.

Yours in awareness & love,

Alix

Undoubtedly, COVID-19 has been a horrific global calamity. Claiming over 100 million lives, shutting down nations, economies, schools. Burdening hospitals, leaving millions of families stuck in states of grief and despair, leaving recovered patients and healthcare staff stuck in states of emotional trauma and guilt. This worldwide phenomenon has been a nightmare. This “thing,” this virus, has claimed all of our lives in some way. It has shut down our norms, changed the way we do everything. We have developed massive fear around this invisible predator that may lurk anywhere – in our parent’s home, in the grocery store, at a restaurant. We have taken massive personal responsibilities to try to avoid this invisible killer, wearing masks, sanitizing everything and anything, avoiding interaction with loved ones, putting all of our lives on hold as this crisis has stormed the world.

For nearly a year now in the U.S., the lens through which we see everything is filtered through COVID-19. This constant anxious sensation regarding our status of being negative or positive, our worries about making sure we curb our behaviors to keep everyone safe, this general feeling of chaos and confusion – uncertain when things will return “to normal.” It has been an extraordinary experience, a massive paradigm shift in our American lives, where so often we watched things happening in far-off lands and thought “well, that would never happen here!” Well, here we are…and here it is, happening every minute of every day. Every time we put on a mask, we think about it. Every time we squeeze hand sanitizer onto our already dry hands, we think about it. Every time we refrain from hugging those we love, we think about it. It is a constant consideration in all that we do, and it is hard not to notice.

There is no avoiding it, all things COVID are continually smacking us in the face. However, in order to survive this crisis, many of us have had to do exactly the opposite of noticing it and avoid thinking about its impact on our emotions AT ALL. Because, if we paused and we really felt the fear, the grief, the sadness, the loss, the worry, the anger…if we really allowed ourselves to feel all of these things, it would hurt. The emotional pain we would feel in acknowledging this experience in its brutal actuality would be intense and overwhelming, because this has been such a life-altering big deal. In addition, this thing is still clamoring on with no clear ending in sight, and so breaking down to acknowledge the hurt without any resolution might feel emotionally inefficient…we get through it first and THEN we process and grieve and feel. And yet, even though most of us are not allowing ourselves to connect to our emotional experience, the feelings are there and operating in the background whether we see them or not. Just because we do not actively acknowledge these feelings, does not mean that they are not there. COVID-19 has hijacked our emotional life in a tremendous way, and contributes greatly to what we are experiencing daily.

Taking a moment to acknowledge the impact it has had on your life may feel quite hard while it may also feel emotionally liberating. Calling out your truth, as it is, without editing it can give you a sense of just what has been taking place in the background as you’ve had to trudge forward, adapt to this new extreme, and make it work as best as you can. Ask yourself, what has COVID-19 taken from you? What has it given you? What is your emotional reality as a result of this global pandemic? Let it flow, do not judge it, and accept that all of it is valid, real, and ok. If any emotions come as you acknowledge this, make space for them, allow them to be here with you. It is safe to feel what you feel here. This has been a huge life-altering ordeal.

Ok, I’ll go first! Here goes…COVID-19 has been on my mind for a year, it has been tremendously scary, and I have worried about getting sick each time I go outside. I worry about infecting those who are high-risk, I worry about how it is impacting my community, I worry about our healthcare providers who are overworked and experiencing trauma daily. I worry about the development of children who have been robbed of a year of socializing and in-person schooling. I worry about parents who are working full-time jobs and caring for and educating their kids simultaneously, I worry about burn-out and the emotional toll this is all having on families and individuals. I worry about the impact it is having on the mental health of our nation as suicide rates, divorce rates, domestic violence rates, and child abuse rates have increased over this period. COVID-19 has changed everything! I have not seen any of my clients for almost a year and everything I do happens on my computer screen. I miss human connection. I miss interaction. I miss hugs! I miss the freedom of not having to worry about potentially infecting others with nothing but my presence. I miss watching TV shows/movies and not feeling anxious each time there is a scene in a crowded room and people share drinks or touch. I miss not worrying about COVID anytime I see a loved one. I miss not having this constant COVID-related anxiety. On the other hand, as a result of COVID, I have also been given opportunities that I feel tremendously grateful for. In this time of quiet and separation, I have connected to parts of myself I did not know existed. I have been able to move to a place where I am surrounded by nature, which feels so glorious and nourishing. In the absence of a busy social calendar I have had the time and space to work towards deeper personal growth and self-love. I have grown so much more comfortable in being alone and am more comfortable facing and experiencing my emotions as they come. This has been a time of moving inward, and in this internal exploration I have discovered so many riches, which without this time or space I would never have been able to do. COVID-19 HAS changed everything. It has changed the way we live in the world by filling it with anxiety and the constant threat of endangerment, and also for me personally, it has allowed me to develop a new relationship with myself that has been so beautiful and worthwhile. I have so many mixed emotions here, anger, grief, sadness, worry, gratitude, satisfaction, peace. This whole experience has been a rollercoaster, and continues to be one.

COVID-19 has emotionally hijacked all of us. Allow yourself this recognition, and know that if you permit yourself to consciously feel what it is that you are already feeling, you will get through it. It may feel hard and painful, there may be tears or screams, but on the other side of it you will recalibrate. If you have children, check in with them too. They are feeling ALL of it, but do not have the language to discuss how hard this all is. Acknowledge with them that their whole life has changed, that they must miss their friends and their normalcy, that they’ve had to wear masks and haven’t been able to do things like go to the movies or have big birthday parties. Giving them this space to be upset about it will be so helpful for their emotional wellbeing. If you have had a particularly difficult time as a result of COVID-19 there are many resources for free mental health support and I encourage you to utilize them. Have someone witness and support you in your processing of this very traumatic time. You don’t need to go at it alone.

With great affection,

Alix

For as long as I can remember, I have felt like who I really am is “too much” for the world. My version of “too much” looks like overly effusive, loving, affectionate, and caring behavior. Of course writing this as an adult and reading these words back to myself leaves me with the thought, “Well, what’s wrong with being a loving, caring person anyway?” However, for the majority of my life I have had the distinct experience of feeling that there was something wrong with this part of me…something absolutely alien about my big heart and desire to hug just about everyone!

As a child, one of the hardest things we encounter is the arduous task of “fitting in.” To be accepted and acknowledged by our peers… to be invited to the birthday party, asked to sit with at lunch, chosen to play on someone’s team during recess. These were all external signals that we were “doing it right” that we were good enough for our circumstances. However, when these things did not happen, we were left feeling sad, upset, broken, or inadequate. When faced with the disappointment of not being accepted, we decided we must change ourselves. We observed others who were well-liked, we mimicked their behaviors, we tried to “be cool,” to be like everyone else, for the sake of being accepted. In this shift between who we were and who we thought we needed to be, we alienated ourselves from our selves. We learned to deny our instincts and adopt other attitudes we deemed socially appropriate. We left behind our natural tendencies in hopes that an altered version of ourself would lead to the social inclusion and happiness we so desperately longed for.

For me, it took a good amount of time but this tactic eventually worked and I made friends. Finally, I had a group of people to call my own. This felt comforting, yet I could not shake the feeling that I had to keep up this charade to maintain my spot in my social circle. Of all of the things I had to do, feigning “not caring” was the most painful. You see, where I am from (and likely where you are from too) not caring about things was cool. It was acceptable to be smart, but to care too much about a particular subject or book or project was not exactly “cool.” You weren’t supposed to care what people thought about you, you weren’t supposed to care about anything outside the realm of “normal.” In fact, what you were SUPPOSED to do was to play it cool! Just be super chill about it all and let absolutely everything roll down your back. Now this …this highly endorsed and seemingly uniformly practiced attitude could literally not have been more contrary to my genuine nature. You see, I am a sensitive soul, an extreme empath. I literally feel everything so deeply that when speaking to a person about their own pain, I often feel tears welling in my own eyes. I care SO MUCH about other people, about their well-being. I want to know people to their core, to show them they are cared for, loved, adored, thought of…and yet, this part of me was absolutely the least cool part of me growing up. In my observations of others, I saw that they did not share these traits, they didn’t communicate the kind of affection I so badly wanted to display, and everyone pretended like they didn’t care about anything…all the time. Perhaps it wasn’t even pretend for some, perhaps many of my peers simply didn’t care…but not me. I cared about it all.

Reconciling these differences, between who you are and who you believe you need to be in order to be accepted, is so incredibly challenging. Add to that that we are children when we learn to do this for survival, and the complications pile on. We get lost in a sea of wanting to conform to the world around us so that we don’t get left behind, while simultaneously leaving parts of our own selves behind. There seems to be no good solution here. Either we stay true to who we are while feeling ostracized, criticized, or weird (could there be a worse schoolyard criticism?) OR we become another version of ourselves and have friends, but neglect our need to self-express. What a quandary for such young souls to traverse.

The unfortunate part of this routine however, is that most often we propel into adulthood and do not unlearn these social strategies. We believe we must maintain them in order to be liked, to have friends, to do well in business. Perhaps we drop some of the childish things we did in high school and adopt more mature ways of relating, but our internal sense of self, our internal belief that we must be someone different than who we really are, persists. These altered versions of ourselves become so deeply engrained, that many of us don’t even realize that we are still wearing a mask. We don’t even realize that we have been neglecting ourselves for much of our life. We remain stuck on this social merry-go-round, unsure how to get off or how to re-embody who we were before we thought we needed to change.

Throughout my own life I have negated my extraordinary heart, regarded it as something to suppress and push down. Believing, that if I really shared its contents people would think I was “too much”, that I was the weird girl. Believing that since other people so rarely treated me with the kind of acceptance and love that I had for them, that my instinctual behavior was somehow an aberration and in need of constant correction. However, as I grow and develop deeper self-acceptance I am learning that this is not the case. My big heart is who I am, it is my contribution to the world, and if I don’t share it with others how can I expect that they will share anything with me? Beyond that, my big heart is my thing. Every individual has something beautiful they contribute to this world, and we should not expect others to be like us in order for us to be like ourselves.

Conformity breeds one brand of being without room for individuality or uniqueness. Everyone who ascribes to it acts according to an unwritten set of social rules that they believe they must follow for fear they will be cast aside if they don’t. This was the fear we felt as children when we were not accepted by our peers. Fear that there was something inherently wrong with us as a result of our differences, fear which propelled us to change our beautiful individual selves. This fear is strong and often persists throughout our lives unless we consciously choose to change it.

So for now dear ones, I invite you to think about your own experience here. For me, it was my heart, but what was it for you? What did you feel you had to suppress, erase, or abandon in order to survive in the social context of your life? What parts of you do you continue to self-monitor, shut off, or regard as wrong or bad because you are worried that if you don’t, you won’t be liked? What parts of you do you miss the most?

So as you muse upon your own experience I will leave you with one caveat…there is no guarantee that if you reintegrate these parts of yourselves that other people are going to love them. In fact, when I’ve been brave and acted from my big heart, there have been times when it has given others room for pause or created what seemed like internal discomfort. Nonetheless I am now aware that people’s reactions to our authenticity has nothing to do with us and everything to do with them and where they are at. Not everyone can receive what we have to offer, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t offer it anyway! What about the people who can receive it and are missing out because we deny them? What about denying yourself your authentic nature? What could be more important than that? More so, the more you act as you are, the more you demonstrate that this is an ok thing to do, giving permission for others to be as they are too . That in fact, it is so beautiful to be who you really are in this world! I want you to know that when you do so you will attract exactly the right people into your life, the people who can receive you in your wholeness.

So, I bid you a beautiful experience rediscovering your YOU-ness, filled with remembering lost parts, making space for you to be who you are, loving yourself as you are, and knowing that who you are is absolutely perfect.

From my big hearted self, I love you! Thank you for reading ❤

My eyes popped open at 7:45 am after a restless sleep. Their still unfocused gaze went straight to the window, seeing only a haze of whiteness. “Another foggy day…” I thought. A few moments later when my eyes reopened again with clarity, I saw the reality. There was a sheet of snow covering the ground and a quick and steady stream of snow falling out of the sky and collecting quickly onto the earth. “But, it’s still October? I thought. “But, it was 70 degrees last week?” said my brain as I tried to make sense of this phenomenon.

Whether I was ready or not, here came this big change outside of my window, and to be clear, I was NOT ready! Suddenly I felt a bit of stress about the snow due to my lack of preparedness. The tasks that I had set out to accomplish today began rattling through my mind, wondering if the snow would be an impediment. “Would the roads be safe? Would I be able to make the nearly 30 minute drive to the grocery store? Would I unanticipatedly be stuck inside today? But, I checked the weather last night and it didn’t indicate this kind of snow fall!” I could feel the anxiety begin to bubble in my stomach. I felt out of control, totally and utterly hindered by mother nature. What was I to do now?

“Man plans, and God laughs.” I recall my grandfather saying to me as a child, and even then understanding exactly what he meant. The snow this morning, an example of this. When my grandfather’s Navy ship was bombed and he only just escaped death in World War II, an even greater example of this. 2020? Here we go again. We convince ourselves that we have control over things that we cannot and simply do not influence. We plan and we use our thoughts to try to have mastery over situations past, present, and future, that are beyond our control. Why do we do this? Well, to avoid the feeling of anxiety that I experienced this morning. To maintain preparedness and feel like we have agency in our own lives. We yearn for control we simply do not have.

Now I say this so as not to say, “Screw it! Throw all of your plans out the window and let the wind take you where it may.” No no, I cannot part from my planning-self to this extreme, and there is extraordinary merit in planning. It allows our individual lives to maintain a semblance of organization, safety, and normalcy. Taking care of our adult responsibilities requires an inordinate amount of planning (if only I knew then, childhood would’ve felt so much more appealing.) We can praise our frontal lobes for our executive functioning abilities, to be able to think about the wellbeing of our future-selves. As humans we have evolved to be able to make plans and organize our lives. We need(ed) this skill in order to survive…and yet, wrenches are constantly being thrown in our plans. I mean, if we were the characters in an adult-themed lifelike video game it would probably be called “Wrench Dodger.” Picture it now. The nightmarish visual of your avatar excitedly organizing and planning things out as the universe unexpectedly chucks wrenches at you. Does it make you stop planning? No. Somehow it’s like our memory is wiped clean by the time the next plan comes around, because if we actually remembered how hard it was to work around the first wrench, we might just give up and let the chips fall where they may.

So, when is the planning helpful and when is it unnecessary bordering on excessive? The thing is, we don’t know exactly? We have no idea when the wrench will come and we have no idea when we will be able to execute our plans as we mapped out internally. Just like playing a slot machine, sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. We cannot predict the machine’s patterns so we just keep playing, because the wins feel so good! Feeling in control of things in our life can feel so…yummy! Yet, when things do not go our way, when the unexpected occurs, it can be devastating. It can knock the wind out of us to receive unexpected news, experience an unexpected event, or even to unexpectedly need to change the plans that you previously laid out for yourself because they no longer make sense in your life. All of this planning and energy directed towards something, and poof, in an instant everything can change, the plan dissolves, and almost immediately your mind fills the space by trying to come up with a new plan (or is that just my mind?).

We cannot predict the unexpected things that happen in our external or internal worlds. We may agonize over them, such as the upcoming election, which seems to have absolutely everyone on edge, but in reality the agony does not shift the outcome and only adds to our stress and anxiety. While many things cannot be guaranteed in this life, there are a few that can, and one of those few certainties is that our lives will not go exactly as we plan.

So, can we prepare for the unexpected that lingers in our midst? Well, yes and no. No, in that we have no idea what the unexpected will be, how it will impact us, why it will happen, and so forth – it will always bring with it an element of surprise. However, also yes. Yes in that, we should always expect the unexpected to be a part of our lives. When in the throes of meticulous planning, take a step back and keep this in mind. This reminder can serve as a layer of protection from the unexpected, so that we are not so surprised or devastated by it when it pops up again and again in our lives. Expect, that there will be many things you cannot control in your life and that this is normal and ok. Trust, that as scary or uncomfortable as the unexpected thing may be, that you will make it through. Human beings are strong, resilient creatures. We have evolved to make it through tremendously difficult experiences. So, when life throws a wrench in your plan, pause, breathe deeply, and remember that this is exactly what is to be expected.

Now that we know what to expect, I want to take this one step further. What if we can simply shift our perspective around the unexpected. While yes, some of the unexpected things that happen in our lives are tragic and do not add joy in any way shape or form, other unexpected events do just that if we allow them to. So today, I have a choice. I can stay inside, hide from the snow, and allow it to continue aggravating me, or I can put on my snow boots, feel the satisfying crunch of fresh powder below my feet, and dance in it! The unexpected things that happen in our lives are really just surprises, and surprises can be beautiful after all.

Now, I’m certain that we have all had the distinct experience of talking about a loved one…or not a loved one, “behind their back.” When I use this term I imagine what comes to mind is some sort of judgmental mean negativity. To be talked about behind one’s back is not usually thought of as a positive…and yet it’s something we all partake in. What it simply means is, to talk about someone when they are not present. To talk about the actions, patterns, and experiences of someone who is not in the room. Such as…”Haven’t you noticed that Samantha gets so angry for no reason? I can’t understand why she flips so quickly.” Or. “Why does Thomas have such low self-esteem? He’s so stuck and can’t see how great he is.” These are the kind of comments I mean. Our observations of the people in our lives. Things that we see plainly and clearly and can come to a consensus about with others who know them well. Yet, these are things that most of the time we would never say “in front of their backs.” Why is that? Sensitivity. Compassion. Fear of hurting their feelings. We are so afraid to point out someone’s own actions that most often we ignore the elephant in the room. Ironic isn’t it, how we can’t share our observations of our friends and family so that we don’t hurt their feelings? Like somehow the truth of someone’s own life is too harsh for them to ingest?

I find it so incredibly interesting that with regard to many aspects of our lives, others can see us more clearly than we can see ourselves. I mean, what is up with that… really? We live inside of our own bodies, we see out of our own eyes, and we experience the thoughts within our own minds. We make our own choices and are behind the wheel of our own experiences…and yet we can’t seem to put two and two together. We can’t seem to take a step outside of our internal world for long enough to understand what in the actual hell is going on. It’s like a lab rat inside of a maze, scurrying around trying to find the cheese, while our loved ones, playing the role of the scientists, are standing over our cages saying, “nope you’ve tried that way already little guy, and it didn’t work!” We get stuck. Things become habitual. We do what we know. We do what is comfortable. CHANGE IS HARD! Yet, if only we could really see ourselves for long enough, maybe we’d be more ready and willing to address the dysfunctional patterns holding us back in our lives?

Being inside of ourselves provides such a narrow vista. Like living in a small town and never leaving…believing fully that this is what the world has to offer. Walmart, a Sonic, gas stations, and the local bar. Could that be it? Without the observations and support from our loved ones we might not know what is fully possible for us. We might not see alternative for our lives. Yet, when our loved ones are brave enough to share the “behind the back talk” content, it can also be incredibly hard to digest. It requires removing one’s ego and being curious about the possibility that some of the ways that you are existing may not be in your best interest, and that beyond that there are things you could do to feel better. But, how? How to change? How to be kinder to yourself and others? How to not lose your temper every time something doesn’t go your way? How to take better care of yourself and your environment? Well, we won’t know how if we aren’t even aware of what is happening in the first place.

While yes, sometimes the words our loved ones say about us ARE judgmental, negative, and sometimes straight up incorrect; that is not what I’m talking about here. Not the meanness or pettiness or shit-talk. I mean the observations that come from a place of concern and love which illuminate the parts of us that we have difficulty accepting or cannot even see.

So, I invite you to take a moment to become curious about yourself. Without defensiveness and without judgment. To observe your own life holistically. Take a step aside and ask yourself…how is my life going? How do I feel about what is happening in it? Sometimes journaling about this can be immensely helpful. Write it down, see what comes out, reflect on it, and keep noticing. If you are brave enough, ask some loved ones who may be able to see things more clearly than you what they notice, and ask them to deliver it with compassionate honesty.

To see ourselves is hard, and often we may have reactions to how others perceive us, but we must be brave in order to shift our relationship with ourselves. It is not easy, it is a continuous journey, and with each layer you begin to peel back you will be surprised at what you find and develop greater understanding for yourself. When you are ready to take a step back, the blurriness that has unknowingly surrounded you for your whole life will begin to come into focus and you will begin to see yourself with greater clarity.

Truth is a funny thing. I recall learning about opposites in grade school. Teachers citing examples such as, big and small, short and tall, true and false. These concepts were taught in this finite way, as if to mean they were unshakable. As I grew older and experienced the world in all of its complexities, I learned that things were just not that simple. That relativism is interwoven into all things. That these ideas that we learn as truths, are all up for interpretation. “Yes he is neat, neat for a boy.” “No it’s small, small for a house.” We work tirelessly in our minds to make sense of things, to understand things in relation to other things we know. Why do this? Why work so hard? It is how we make sense of the world. It is how our mind prevents us from going mad, organizing the constant incoming stimuli based on other stimuli we have previously taken in. Categories are erected in our minds, and these categories are as unique as finger prints, based upon what we’ve known and seen and done. Truths, are immensely personal.

In an ironic twist of fate, the United States, a name claimed during a victorious and unified moment, is hardly united at the moment. And why? A matter of personal truths. The belief systems and varied experiences of the citizens of this country create fragmented realities. Like somehow we are all existing on different timelines, hearing different news, feeling oh so many different things. What is real? What is truth? How do we know what to believe with constant contrasting viewpoints being hurled at us? How do we know what to believe when the powers that be, whether coming from politicians, social media, journalists, or news anchors proclaim such different ideas? Constant divergence. Differing opinions. Differing ideologies. Finding common ground only in that their proclamations are the ultimate truth.

Because we aren’t confused enough already being presented with so many versions of “the truth”, we are also subject to intentional manipulation. A long-standing practice by people in positions of power, shielding citizens from unattractive information, due to fear for their public image, public safety, or sheerly due to narcissistic tendencies and hubris. However, when factored in to the sheer variety of truths that already exist based on personal experiences, the lies and manipulation create even more of a swirly-whirly mess. When facts are manipulated, but millions of people claim them as their truth, the result is yet more fragmented segments of reality.

It makes it hard, and muddled, and perplexing to know what is real and what is not. It makes distorted perspectives more common than clarity and understanding. It leads to bewilderment, immense stress, and ultimately a feeling of unsafety. If I am living in a different version of reality than my neighbor, how can we ever be united? How can we ever get along? How will we ever support one another for the common good of our country? If we know that our brains create categories to organize us and to help us feel safe and secure in our environments, what is the collective psychological impact on our nation due to the ever-changing versions of our country’s narrative?

I wonder if given the nature of relativism and personal truths, if it will ever be possible for our nation to get on the same page. Is coming to a consensus out of the question? Because, even if our realities were streamlined, the manipulation ended, and we were consistently presented with just one version of the truth, people would still interpret it in their own unique ways given their own unique experiences. Because your truth and my truth are likely two different things.

Some people grow up just knowing who they are. Knowing with certainty what their likes and dislikes are, knowing what they’d like to pursue, and knowing that it is safe to be who they are in the world unabashedly and unapologetically. Those who come to this understanding at a young age have a great advantage in life. Yes, we are always growing and discovering different aspects of ourselves, however this foundational knowledge is immensely helpful to young souls as they traverse the world. It instills confidence, passion, and direction. It allows them to know themselves, their core values, and what they stand for.

Why is it that some people just know themselves, while many others lack this insight? It could be a character trait, the way someone comes into the world, or perhaps they were raised in a family culture where individuality was praised and self-awareness was accepted. No matter the reason a person comes to know themselves, it is a beautiful and important gift.

Then there are those of us (self-disclosure, I am in this group!) who did NOT grow up with this self-awareness. Who maybe, never even thought about who they were, who just existed, tried to fit in and meet everyone else’s expectations, and who didn’t even know that they were allowed to have a unique self. The people who never developed their passions, who never engaged in self-inquiry, or never recognized that individuality was something to be praised and not rebuked. Those who have spent the majority of their lives existing for others with unconscious fears about what it would mean to be themselves in the world. Fears because they never cultivated a self and the unknown is scary… or fears based on internal beliefs that who they actually are is boring or inadequate.

Unfortunately, when we turn away from our authentic selves it causes great internal discord. If we have never taken the opportunity to know and respect our true nature, we deny ourselves fulfillment and ultimately happiness. Yet, it can be so incredibly difficult to know who we are and be true. Why? Walls of fear and insecurity keep us from ourselves. Fear of how we will be perceived, fear of abandonment, rejection, judgment, risk, loss, etc. If we understood who we are, listened, and stepped into our truth, what would that mean for our relationships? For our professions? For our lives? Without having ever tried to express your unique self, the idea of doing this is at a minimum anxiety provoking, but maybe even terrifying!

However, fear and avoidance of our truth creates blockages in our character, relationships, occupations, and our lives. We may feel safe behind that wall; it is comfortable and we know what to expect. Unfortunately, this safety is an illusion. When we deny our truth, we are never safe. Without knowing who we are and how to be, we have to monitor ourselves in comparison to others. This creates judgment, jealousy, insecurity, and ultimately negativity in our lives. We will never feel like enough, because we have not taken the time to discover what enough means to us.

So, I write this with encouragement and hope that if you fall into the group of people who have not had the opportunity or courage to really get to know and understand yourself, than I ask that you give it a try! This could mean anything – there is no wrong way to do this. You might spend a day with yourself and see what it is you want to do when no one else is around. Journal about all of the things you love in this world (there is no thing too small). Think about what is really important to you in this life. Think about what you might do differently if you weren’t worried about what others would think. Whatever you come up with, do not minimize or judge it! Everything that is unique to you is beautiful. Praise and accept it. Even if all you can come up with is that you enjoy tea and flowers, that is great! Those are parts of you, part of what makes your heart sing. Do not discredit the details of who you are. The more self-discovery you engage in, the more you will be able to channel that knowledge into your actions and the more fulfilled you will be in your life. Pay attention and honor yourself. You are worth it, I promise!

Xoxo,

Dr. Alix

We live in a fix-it society where quick solutions are sought after for every hardship (or not-so-hardship) we encounter. However, where society’s desire to compulsively solve has entered into dangerous territory, is in the realm of emotions. This appeal to fix emotions, as though they are abnormal, scary, or dangerous, is everywhere. The prevailing narrative about emotions in our nation is that happiness is always attainable and that we can have total control over our feelings. This creates a system that places blame on individuals for not being able to attain something that…let’s face it, isn’t even attainable in the first place.

Let’s be clear about something, emotions are not static. No one on this planet is ALWAYS in a state of happiness, relaxation, or peace. Our feelings shift from moment to moment. This is reality and is what should be expected. To believe that we have ultimate control over our emotions is an illusion. Feelings come and go, just as the weather shifts from day-to-day or even moment to moment. One day we may feel anxious, sad, or pained. The next day we may wake up and see sunny skies, with feelings of excitement, happiness, or peace in our hearts. While yes, there may be daily factors contributing to our complex emotions such as familial stressors or professional deadlines, sometimes there is no particular rhyme or reason for our feelings. Sometimes a good day is just good and a bad day is just bad. Sometimes it just is.

This idea that is broadcasted in our society that each day is “supposed to be” great and that if it is not, there is something we should be doing to fix it, is destructive. It leaves no room for the acceptance of emotions and may even inspire panic if feelings get big and overwhelming. It turns something that is as variable as the weather, into something that is meant to be unchanging and fixed. With the knowledge that our feelings can at times be as unpredictable as the weather, doesn’t it all make more sense? Perhaps it may even be relieving? It is ok to have a hard day; it does not mean that anything is wrong with you or that you’ve failed in some way. Kids and adults alike, we all have hard days or hard moments. It is completely natural and normal to feel things and to feel things deeply. It does not make us bad or sick or wrong. Emotions crave our acceptance, not our resistance and rebellion. Accept and acknowledge your hard, anxious, or stressful day. Learn to be ok with it. Just through recognizing it with a stance of acceptance, you are practicing self-care and self-kindness. This practice is transformative on its own.

Now, what is the difference between a bad day or a bad week or a bad month or a bad year? While yes, every sentient being on this planet may have a bad day from time to time or a bad week from time to time, but if you are finding that your emotions are not lifting and are persisting month by month, then it is time to ask for help*. When a negative feeling is sticking around for too long, so long that it becomes the norm, it signifies a blockage in your emotional arteries that requires some intervention. The ebbs and flows of emotional highs and lows are what we should expect and what we should strive for, not perfect and constant happiness, nor accepting a life filled with constant emotional pain.

In our world filled with glossy and dream-like representations of the “lives” of strangers on social media, and the unrealistic desire to live our lives in accordance with these overly edited and curated images, we must remember that reality is raw, it is real, and sometimes it is extremely hard. When a bad day crosses your path, just remember that the next will be new and filled with different experiences. Have some acceptance for the crummy day, and know that sooner or later, equilibrium will be restored. Create a list of things you know will help you get through bad days (e.g., reducing your workload, going for a walk, having a smoothie, meditating, being as gentle and kind to yourself as possible), and know that you are not alone in your experience.

*If you are experiencing prolonged states of depression, anxiety, or other emotional pain please do seek psychological care. Psychologytoday.com is a great website to find a therapist. You can call the number on the back of your insurance card to find referrals in-network or you can ask your primary care physician for some referrals.  If things are severe and you are having thoughts of self-harm or suicide please go to your nearest emergency room for an evaluation. There are many resources that will help; you don’t have to suffer alone.

• https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ 
  • 1-800-273-8255
• National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) Helpline: 1-800-950-NAMI (6264)

I keep asking myself this question. When? Over and over I roll this word around in my mind as my stomach does little flips and my mind anxiously ponders the state of our world. When will I read the news, scroll through social media, or turn on the television and stop seeing destruction, violence, and evil in the world? When will children stop being murdered at what should be as a safe haven for learning and growing? When will people stop being physically violated and killed for being born with more melanin in their skin or being born of a particular religion? When will women stop being sexually assaulted and made to feel that they are powerless and will never matter? When will wealth stop being more powerful than laws and morality? When will this world wake up and start taking care of the environment and mother nature who gives to us so selflessly? When will the genocides end? When will we start taking care of each other?

The more I think about the set of dilemmas in our world, the sicker with nausea I grow. Over and over and over again I see the good in this world get shut down and get trampled on by the powers of politics and money. The good exist, we are here and we are fighting with everything we have to ensure that the fate of human existence doesn’t quickly devolve into catastrophe and destruction. Unfortunately the unknowing, the ignorant, and the lost ones continue to operate in their loud unapologetic way, leaving a path of destruction behind them. There is a lack of foresight, a stubborn refusal to look at the facts and at history; insisting that because they want something to be, the consequences must not be real.

I ask and I ask and I ask, and the only answer to my question I can come up with is “when the hate stops.” When there is no longer hate in the hearts of the citizens of this world, is when this will all stop. When everyone is able to love themselves fully and without abandon, is when we will be able to love and take care of the world. When love guides our way, emanating from our hearts and our souls, is when this will all stop. Only when we learn how to love unconditionally and without bias, will this world heal. When will that be? Or a more realistic question may be, will it ever be? The context we exist in is one filled with anxiety, hostility, and divisiveness. It permeates our being and contributes to feelings of stress, discomfort, sadness, and helplessness. This moment in time has taken on its own energy, and it feels like it cannot be stopped or swayed, like it is immortal. However, when I look at history I know that all evil things eventually come to an end.

While I cannot provide an answer to my own question of “when?” I can provide an alternative question, “how?” How will this stop? The answer I can come up with is through promoting love in everything that we do, starting with ourselves. Standing strong in the face of this destruction, not allowing it to topple us over, or render us helpless, but to contribute. Little by little if we all do good in the ways that we know how to, the love will overpower the hate. The idea is not to get overwhelmed, we are not going to be able to tackle every issue or change everything that we are worried about, but just start where we can and with what we have. I witnessed this in action yesterday as I walked down the street and overheard a young man tell a volunteer from UNESCO that while he did not have any money to donate to the cause he would like to volunteer his time. This is love, this is beauty, and with this was a reminder that we are not powerless to the lost souls filled with confusion that are acting in anger instead of love. We are powerful and we have enough love to spread. One can only hope that it will be contagious.   Through love, we will be healed. We must start with ourselves. When we are filled with this beautiful feeling, it will pour out from our souls onto the world and begin its repair.